Five Steps To A Successful Transition
Many people cross your path during your lifetime. Some come and go while others have a lifelong impact on you. Those special people include family members, trusted friends, colleagues, ministers, teachers, and the list goes on.
When I was in college my freshman year, I took an introductory psychology course. Psychology I was taught first semester and Psychology II the second semester. I had no intention of taking the second semester because I was just meeting an elective requirement. However, after the first month of that class, I was hooked not only by the course content but by the instructor teaching the course. His name was Mr. Poole and he reminded me of Ichabod Crane. Mr. Poole was very entertaining and an engaging instructor. He really made the course interesting and helped me begin my journey of studying psychology and becoming a therapist. Just one person can change the trajectory of your whole life.
I would imagine that you have interacted with people throughout your life who have had quite an influence on you. These special people can be instrumental in changing our lives, catapulting us into a personal change or a change in our life’s work or our career paths.
Profound Influences
There was another very profound influence in my life during my career as a therapist. Many therapists join peer supervision groups where they study various concepts and discuss cases anonymously. Throughout my career, I’ve been fortunate to be in several of these peer supervision groups. One in particular was life-altering for me. I was in a group with a colleague who went through the most profound transition I had experienced since my mother’s bout with terminal cancer many years ago and my father’s long goodbye from Alzheimer’s disease five years ago.
To protect her privacy, I’ll call her Carol. She was an incredible inspiration having gone through several personal life-altering experiences. Carol had been married for over twenty years to an alcoholic husband. They tried to work on their relationship in therapy, but the results were not satisfactory. Her husband was not willing to get sober and they ultimately divorced. Finally, she was free to move on with her life and her career since all her children were grown. Several years later she reconnected with and married a man who had been a friend she had known for years. When we met Carol’s friend, we liked him instantly and were happy for her because she had truly found her best match. For the next 3 to 4 years we watched Carol enjoy some of the experiences she had missed in her previous marriage.
One day Carol told us about some symptoms she was having and over the next 4-6 months she was finally diagnosed with ALS. During the next several years, we watched this disease take over her body but not her mind. She went from walking and talking to a wheelchair with a Beamer device to help her communicate with us during our peer group. Yes, she continued to come to our group without fail until she just couldn’t come anymore. Then, we met at her home for our group sessions.
During this medical journey, Carol had all the characteristics of incredible resilience as she faced this life-altering terminal illness. Her acceptance of her illness, as she fought against letting it hold her back, was incredibly graceful. She made it look so easy when we knew it wasn’t. With humility and humor, she faced the end of her life with great courage.
I share this story because no matter how badly you might be struggling with a life-changing situation-whether it be a divorce, a move to a different state or country, being let go from your job, losing a close friend or relative, or retiring from a successful career-there are certain steps and behaviors that guide us through the stages of transition. As my friend, Cathy, and I often say, “You just have to remember to remember.” We do have tools to help us through.
Five Steps To A Successful Transition
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
—Laozi
The following five steps will not only help you to navigate a successful transition, but also help you build resilience for future changes in your life. Each day, try to incorporate one of these behaviors into your thoughts and actions.
1. Take responsibility and avoid blaming others
Even though you may have done nothing to bring about this specific change in your life, take responsibility for what you can control and don’t blame others for what you can’t control. If you are being forced into retirement by conditions beyond your control, going through a divorce, or grieving the loss of a loved one, allow yourself to relax into that situation so that you can move forward in a positive way. Blaming someone else may temporarily protect you from looking inward and facing the reality of that situation, but ultimately it will prolong the pain and discomfort of the transition, leaving you powerless. It also delays accepting “what is” with honesty and compassion for yourself.
2. Keep a positive attitude
If we look for reasons to resist change, we will usually find them. Negativity will do it. There’s a saying that “you are what you think about all day long.” Negativity holds us back from growing into the change and transition we are facing. Identify three things each day you can be grateful for and trust yourself and your instincts that you will get through this transition. Research supports the effectiveness of the “gratitude list” exercise.
3. Surround yourself with positive and supportive friends, family, and colleagues
When you’re going through a transition, you’ll hit rough spots. If you’re around negative or cynical people, you’re more vulnerable to resisting the reality of your situation and getting stuck in negative thinking. It’s easier for many to look at what’s wrong not what is right. Instead, find positive people and spend time with them and they will support your moving forward successfully.
4. Manage your fear of the unknown with courage
Often when we are facing a life-altering transition, we are afraid of what we don’t know and therefore can’t prepare for. You might ask yourself: Can I really get through this change? Will I ever find love again if I lose a loved one through death or divorce? Can I find meaning and purpose in my life as I prepare for retirement? Courage is facing your fears and moving forward anyway.
5. Accept the reality of your situation
We tend to idealize the way things used to be, which makes living in the past more appealing. It’s comfortable and familiar. This is very common, especially after a serious loss. We all have positive qualities and you want to remember the good parts about your relationship or work but not idealize them to the extent that you’ll never find another person to share love with or another career/work that fulfills you.
My husband told me the story about his aunt whose husband died at a young age. She kept a shrine of pictures and mementos to him at her home, never remarried, and lived in that moment of loss for the rest of her life. She was stuck in the loss, fearing if she moved forward with her life, she might be dishonoring her husband. Honor the past while you look forward to the future with confidence.
My friend and colleague, Carol, practiced these behaviors through her entire illness. In retrospect, observing her courage, positive acceptance, responsibility for what she could do, and acceptance of the support of family and friends, allowed me to learn from her and pass this knowledge on to you. No matter what transition you’re going through now, trust that your ability to survive during and thrive after will be enhanced by these five steps.
Dee
Dee Cascio
Author, speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
As you face changes and transition in life and work, I welcome the opportunity to assist you through corporate presentations, group seminars, and community workshops. Please . contact me.
More steps for a successful transition
Every transition involves asking yourself the less-obvious questions and answering truthfully in order to get to a better place. The Dig Deeper questions in Ready To Retire? Successful Retirement Planning To Make The Best Of The Rest Of Your Life will help you do just that.
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You’ve joined a great group — people who plan to make successful transitions in life and work. May you be inspired to use your strengths and skills to grow in this season and may each transition be your best ever.
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