Transition Strategy: Looking Backwards To Move Forward
Longtime readers of this newsletter are aware that I focus my coaching practice on change and transitions. As we go through life, we all encounter countless positive as well as negative changes in our lives that we must address and transition through. These changes might include a birth, marriages, college entrance or graduation, leaving home, death, divorce, parenthood along with many more until we finally transition to retirement. Many of us go through most of these changes and then some.
In addition to these planned and unplanned changes, every January many of us promise ourselves that this year will be different. We make New Year’s resolutions we fully expect to honor. However, by spring, many of these resolutions are lost along life’s way. Why is that?
In order to stay current in my coaching and therapy practice, I must continue to be a life-long learner. I attend seminars, read current literature, listen to lectures and, in general, seek the wisdom of those who know more than I do. Nowhere is this more evident than in my love of quotations. They are small packets of wisdom condensed into one or two short sentences. Words that really make you think.
As I explore this newsletter topic, I want to begin by sharing three of my favorite quotes about change and the human condition.
If you always do what you’ve always done,
you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.”
—Henry Ford
Those who cannot remember the past
are condemned to repeat it.”
—George Santayana
The definition of insanity is
doing the same thing over and over again
but expecting different results.”
—Albert Einstein
Three wise men are saying the same thing in different ways. To move forward they suggest that you should look at your past behavior and change what has not worked. In other words, looking backwards to move forward.
You may be looking forward to this new year with goals and intentions to change some things that need to be different in your personal and work life. I would like you to consider a different approach as you move into this new decade. Reflect on this past year—2019—first. What went well in your personal life and work life and what didn’t go so well?
Repeating History
Consider the Peanuts cartoon that runs every fall. Lucy agrees to hold the football so Charlie Brown can kick it. She promises him this year will be different. Charlie Brown believes this time Lucy will keep her promise and won’t pull it away. Before the cartoon is even written, you know what will happen. Lucy will still pull the ball away at the last second and Charlie Brown will miss the football once again.
For our purposes, Charlie is not looking at why this has happened every year. He’s hoping it will be different this year with no change from either him or Lucy. Charlie is in a dance with Lucy going through the same steps, wondering why there isn’t a different outcome.
Reflections
The common denominator in this metaphor about any change or transition is “you.” While each year your intentions are sincere, you may still be doomed to failure. What if you reflected on the transition you want to make? What if you looked at what worked and didn’t work in the past? That approach may move you forward so you achieve the desire outcome you want and deserve.
For example, how many times have you said you’re going to lose weight by diet and exercise but, by February or March, you’re back to your old ways? Of all the weight loss programs you’ve been on, what elements of each have worked and which haven’t? If, for example, overeating is the problem, maybe Overeaters Anonymous (OA) could be a new way of addressing this problem along with diet, exercise, and a buddy system. Reflect!
You know this upcoming promotion requires a new certification that you haven’t completed, but you’re still wondering why you are again being overlooked for advancement. You remember completing your college degree and being able to study for those classes. Why is this certification more difficult for you now? What study habits worked in the past that you could utilize now? Do you need a new study approach like a study buddy? Does this promotion truly align with your career goals? If it doesn’t, this may be causing your resistance to completing the course. Reflect!
You’ve moved to a new city for work and are wondering why you haven’t been able to make new friends. If this is the first time you’ve made such a move, it might make sense that you would have a new learning curve to face. How have you seen others make new friends? If this is a second or third move, how have you made new friends in the past and what will help you connect with a new tribe now? Reflect!
You’ve lost a long-term relationship through death or divorce and are afraid to begin dating again or expanding your social circle. Losing someone you have loved, for any reason, can be heartbreaking. Having had relationships in the past, which ones have served you well and which ones haven’t? What are you looking for in a partner or friend at this stage of your life? When you’re younger, you may be looking for a partner to raise a family with or a friend to share life challenges with. As you age, you may be looking for a partner to be a companion, have fun with, and who shares your same values and similar interests. Reflect!
My Own Reflections
When I moved to Virginia 48 years ago, I left a very close family and an incredible support system I had grown up with. I knew only one friend in northern Virginia besides my brother and sister-in-law. It took well over 18 months to establish a support system in my new community. I realized that through my professional community and pursuing non-professional interests, I could create a new group of friends and colleagues and rediscover a sense of community.
I reflected on what I had left in my hometown where there was little opportunity for employment and professional growth, but I had a great support system. I then realized I had growth and employment in my new community, but I had to work on the support system to meet my social needs. I read two books that were extremely helpful: The Power of Positive Thinking and How to Make Friends. When friendships are built into your hometown lifestyle, you don’t have to think about it. When you are in a new community, you should be deliberate in your approach. I began to nurture new relationships at work and joined several local community groups to meet more people. It helped having my relatives and friend as a home base.
Fifteen years later, I found myself in another situation where I had to reinvent my social and professional support system. I had been a high school counselor in Fairfax County, Virginia for 15 years. When I left that position to start my private practice, I found being a solo practitioner was isolating. I needed and wanted to find a way to fill all the intellectual and social needs my work in the school system had provided. I looked back on what I left so I could recreate it in a different way. I joined several professional organizations where I could be an active participant and leader in meetings and social events. I also joined several community groups that satisfied my interests at the time. Those decisions helped me to create a new support system.
My husband shared with me how his reflections helped him be a better parent. While growing up, he had a rather tumultuous childhood with little predictability or parental guidance. He and his four siblings were frequently on their own. They basically survived with the support of each other.
When he became a father, he reflected on those things he needed but didn’t get. It was clear that he wanted his children to have a better childhood experience. To be a better parent, he took parenting classes to help him build compassionate parenting skills so his children would grow up feeling loved, learning good values and skills. He wanted them to have someone they could emulate. Through that process, he was not only a better parent, but he was also able to “re-parent himself.”
Sometimes we don’t stop to think about these kinds of issues resulting from changes until we’re in the middle of the process. Stop and reflect on what worked in the past but doesn’t work now. That is the best way I have found to move forward in a healthy and productive way.
Reflective Questions
Here are some reflective questions you might ask yourself to help you move forward.
- Are you avoiding a change because it is too hard or are you avoiding it because it isn’t aligned with your life values and goals? If it’s because it’s too hard, find a way to break it down into smaller steps.
- What skills did you use in past transitions that served you well?
- What didn’t work well that you should avoid in the future?
- What have you learned about yourself from past changes and how can you be reminded of those insights now?
- What person was most supportive to you through other life transitions?
- What are your strongest resiliency skills and how can you use them now?
As you reflect on past changes and transitions, it may take some extra time and more support before you can move forward, but it’s well worth the effort. Remember: If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. Be the exception and build your confidence with each accomplishment! Make your New Year’s resolutions a reality!
Dee
Dee Cascio
Author, speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
As you face changes and transition in life and work, I welcome the opportunity to assist you through corporate presentations, group seminars, and community workshops. Please contact me.
More reflections
Use the Dig Deeper questions in Ready To Retire? Successful Retirement Planning To Make The Best Of The Rest Of Your Life to reflect on your values and priorities the next time you are facing a life-altering transition. This book is for anyone facing change, not just those nearing retirement.
Order a copy today (Amazon PRIME members may get 2-day shipping)
The Life and Work Transitions Community
You’ve joined a great group — people who plan to make successful transitions in life and work. May you be inspired to use your strengths and skills to grow in this season and may each transition be your best ever.
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Ready To Retire? Successful Retirement Planning To Make The Best Of The Rest Of Your Life
