Are you planning for togetherness in retirement? Thinking about retirement is complicated enough. It’s even more challenging to plan this transition as a couple. Your ideal retirement may not seem so ideal to your spouse or partner. (Just ask someone who has ended up “living apart together.”) Understanding and empathy will help you acknowledge how this major life change affects you and every significant relationship in your life. Communication, compromise, and cooperation can help you and those you love achieve a successful retirement lifestyle.
How much is too much togetherness?
In retirement, two people who had little interaction during the work week suddenly find themselves together constantly. Individual schedules become a thing of the past and you face a marathon of togetherness. This can be too much of a good thing.
One or both people in a relationship may be retiring from a 40-hour (or more) work week. Without proper planning for togetherness in retirement and retirement lifestyle planning, each person may turn to the other to fill the emptiness of this new lifestyle. One or both could be left feeling deprived of the free time they anticipated.
I like the saying “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.” This should encourage both parties to pursue outside interests in retirement and not rely on their spouse to provide their sole social network.
It is human nature to want time for ourselves to reflect, create, and grow. This isn’t a reflection on our partner or our love for them. A healthy balance of together and apart time actually enhances relationships and leads to a more mutually rewarding retirement lifestyle.
Why retirement planning is so important
A Cornell study done on the retirement stage of life revealed that married couples tend to experience significant conflict during the first several years after one or both spouses retire. It seems neither is prepared for this significant adjustment. Instead of enjoying blissful togetherness, both struggle to understand their new lifestyle and end up feeling lost. They seek new order in their lives to replace the order their job provided. Moving furniture, loading and reloading the dishwasher and other aimless tasks are no substitute for a retirement plan. This is an even more complicated transition if one spouse is trying to maintain a normal schedule while dealing with the quirks of a newly-retired partner.
The key is in connecting
So how do you make sure you don’t end up lost or frustrated after retirement? The key is connecting with one another and enjoying togetherness in retirement.
I am a Barbara Streisand fan. The lyrics to her song “People” says it all: “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” You are very fortunate if you have people you love and trust to go through life with you. This is especially true in retirement.
According to research, happily married couples do balance their alone time with togetherness in retirement in healthy and constructive ways. They respect each other’s need for privacy and space. This was somewhat built into one’s career, but it has to be created in retirement. Spouses or partners pay attention to their use of time and how it is scheduled, taking equal responsibility for their social life. They also continue to enjoy activities, both individually and together, that they developed before retirement. What would you like to pursue on your own or with your partner as you look forward to retirement? Make a list of activities, hobbies, and dreams for both of you.
If you are like most married couples, you have already successfully transitioned through various stages of your life together: dating, finishing school, getting married, getting settled in one or more homes and communities, pursuing careers, and caring for family. Hopefully, with each transition, you have learned more about each other and created a stronger bond to sustain you. You have learned to be more attentive to each other, respectful of differences, and patient with each other. You have developed more independence and autonomy while protecting the bond you have. Togetherness in retirement will deepen that connection.
Remember the love
“Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
Mignon McLaughlin
Remember that “love” is a verb. Loving your spouse requires much more than just feeling and emotion. It takes action. Keep your love strong and supportive. Use more words of appreciation and affirmation. Do more acts of kindness.
To know me is to love me
Unknown
Togetherness in retirement requires vulnerability, honesty, openness, and acceptance of good and not-so-good character qualities. Share your needs. Compare your retirement ideals. Find new ways of spending time together, and respect each other’s need for time apart. And, most of all, never forget the love.
Love well… but have lunch out!