Love-Styles for Couples in Retirement
About 10 years ago, my husband and I were interviewed for an article about the timing and nature of a couple’s retirement transition. Kathleen Hughes, the author of that article and a journalist for the Wall Street Journal, introduced a concept she had encountered in her interviews called “living apart together.” This idea was new and interesting to me. Within a year, a client mentioned they were considering the same lifestyle with their partner.
Since then, I’ve come across this model in various publications. In the fall of 2020, I was reading The Family Therapy Magazine, a professional psychotherapy magazine I subscribe to for my therapy practice. The whole magazine was devoted to the theme “Boomers Today.” In that magazine, there was an article entitled “Living Apart Together (LAT). I felt this well-researched psychological publication gave even more legitimacy to this whole concept based on the research done by Karlsson and Borell, Benson and Coleman (2002).
Since beginning my coaching practice over 15 years ago, I’ve thought a lot about the ways that our generation can plan for the future. We especially need to think about how we as couples spend our time together in retirement without preconceived notions and societal constraints.
When we’re young, we’re settling into getting married, having children, and furthering our career. As we age and those developmental tasks are more complete, there are new options for us if we are brave enough to consider them and then act on them.
I’d like to invite you to manage your fears, be creative, and dare to take risks. Be realistic and thoughtful about the value of the time you still have. You can be purposeful and have a rich and fulfilling life as a couple in whatever way you choose to be together. Everything we do in life has risks but do you want your risk aversion to hold you back? Here are some of your choices. Remember, there are no judgements for anyone pursuing alternative love-styles, as long as you are both happy.
Traditional Marriage
People come into our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”
— Author unknown
(attributed to multiple authors online including Tamara Levitt)
Many of you are probably in a marriage that began many years ago. You are still together and perhaps enjoying more freedom as empty nesters. Your career may be getting close to winding down and you are continuing to grow together as a couple as you contemplate retirement. You’ve helped your adult children launch and if they are married with children, you’re enjoying being a part of your grandchildren’s lives. Even though marriage can be challenging at times, working through those power struggles over the years creates growth in your relationship and can make you stronger as a couple.
Living Together
Although our generation has been fairly traditional when it comes to getting married, we have also pioneered other less conventional concepts: living together without being married, the sexual revolution, having children without being married, the women’s lib movement. Alternative love-styles work for some people who don’t see the need for legalizing their union through marriage yet are very much a couple and are sincerely committed to each other. This arrangement does, however, carry some risks. Without a written agreement, one or both of those involved could suffer financial stressors if there is a dissolution of the relationship without any protective agreements.
Single Lifestyle
At least one third of the adult population is currently living single because of the loss of a loved one through death or divorce or because of never having been married. In your life, you may have gone through the pain of a loss due to death or divorce of your partner and have learned much about yourself and the kind of partner you need and want in the future. Hopefully, you have found that person. And if not, you may still be looking for that special someone with whom you can share a mutual commitment. The research shows that more men than woman tend to remarry after the loss of a loved through death or divorce. There are no requirements here. Some might be better prepared than others to carry on day-to-day life skills. Others want to enjoy their newfound freedom and don’t feel the need to re-couple right away or at all. Still others would like to have a spouse or companion to share life with and are willing or eager to try again.
Living Apart Together (LAT)
Living Apart Together is a more recent variation on the love-style concept introduced in the early 2000s. It has evolved over time as our generation has lived longer and many have lost a spouse or gone through a divorce. In this newsletter, I will spend more time on this less traditional lifestyle and love-style.
LAT definition: This love-style allows for a long-term intimate and committed relationship with or without being married or cohabitating. The couple may even live in two different residences, either in the same community or in separate states or countries.
I must admit, as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I had my doubts about this love-style because I automatically assumed “lack of commitment”! I instinctively knew this lifestyle wouldn’t work for me. Over time, however, my attitude has softened as I’ve thought more about this lifestyle and learned more about it from other people and their involvement.
In my therapy and coaching practices, my experience has taught me that there are some people who are just commitment adverse. For the most part, those LAT relationships I’m familiar with and have read about have a strong sense of commitment and this love-style seems to work well for them. As this concept comes out of the shadows, couples living this lifestyle should be legitimized and affirmed. Boomers are paving the way for what is called “Pair Bonding” (Family Therapy Magazine, page 28) while they experiment with different ways of enjoying companionship in their retirement years.
There are good reasons why this love-style may work for some couples:
- A couple may want to maintain financial independence and still find ways of sharing without comingling finances. Another financial challenge could be loss of benefits if one remarries after the death of a spouse, causing potential future economic hardship for that person.
- Partners having adult children from a previous marriage with grandchildren may want to protect the freedom to spend time with those family members without constraints.
- Here is an example of one couple: One partner was a caregiver for her spouse for years and when he died, she knew she didn’t want to have that responsibility again. The man she met had been widowed for six years, wanted companionship, but had a strong bond with his adult children and grandchildren. He has been able to maintain that bond and still have companionship in his LAT relationship. It ended up working well for both of them.
- Some people, after being single for a long time, meet someone they love and are compatible with, but don’t want to completely give up their privacy and autonomy.
- Others, having lost a spouse/partner, have finally achieved an independent lifestyle and don’t want to give up their independence, even though they love this new person in their lives.
- Spouses who have traveled their whole careers and want the peace of being in one place have learned to accept that their spouse or partner might want to live in Europe for a month or travel more often than they do. It’s all about respecting differences within reason and allowing for that autonomy in a loving relationship.
- In our own family, we have a couple who is married and live together most of the time, and they also own two separate residences. About once a month, one might be visiting relatives or staying in their respective residences in another part of the state. It works for them since both were married before, have families and both wanted to maintain their autonomy and independence while still enjoying their relationship.
How To Make This Lifestyle Decision
Here are some ideas to consider when thinking about coupling in later life:
- Embrace where you are no matter what love-style you enjoy, married or single.
- Always keep the communication open and honest so there are no misunderstandings. Avoiding communication will ultimately cause relationship problems.
- Respect the previous life your partner had with other friends and family members and allow for his/her need to be with them whether or not he/she includes you.
- Own the legitimacy of this LAT bond you have and try not to let anyone else’s judgement affect your decisions.
- Set clear boundaries with those who are not as concerned about your happiness and needs as they are their own. You will be able to tell soon enough.
- During COVID, be creative about how to stay in touch via video, phone calls, texts, and emails. These are difficult times for all of us and it won’t always be this way. Stay resilient and you will find your way through.
Whatever life and love-style relationship you choose, be creative and don’t wait too long to embrace, enjoy, and nurture it.
Dee
As you face the challenges due to COVID-19 as well as changes and transitions in life and work, I welcome the opportunity to assist you. I am available for virtual consultations and virtual presentations at this time instead of corporate and group seminars and community workshops. Please contact me.
Dee Cascio
Author, speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
The Life and Work Transitions Community
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There is more to life than love-styles. Determine what is important to you before you retire.
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