Living apart together is not a new concept. When Kathleen Hughes, journalist for the Wall Street Journal, interviewed my husband and me over 10 years ago about the timing and nature of a couple’s retirement transition, she had already encountered “living apart together.”
Since then, I have seen and heard this mentioned by clients and by publications I know and respect. The Family Therapy Magazine, in a fall 2020 issue devoted to “Boomers Today, also highlighted Living Apart Together (LAT) and the research done by Sofie Karlsson and Klas Borell (2002) and also Jacquelyn Benson and Marilyn Coleman.
In simple terms, living apart together is a lifestyle that allows for a long-term intimate and committed relationship with or without the couple being married or cohabitating. They may live in different homes, different communities, different states, or even different countries.
As I encourage you to plan for the future, I want you to consider ways to spend time together with the people you love. This includes time in retirement with your partner, perhaps in ways that go beyond preconceived notions and societal constraints.
You have new options. Be brave. Take action to make your dreams a reality. Look beyond your fears, get creative, and take managed risks.
Take time to listen to the perspectives of others. Engage in meaningful discussions. Don’t just settle for a LAT lifestyle as a way to keep the status quo. Instead, I suggest reading “Are you considering ‘living apart together’ for your retirement years?” and then working to a mutually satisfactory solution, which may or may not be living apart together. It must work for both partners or it won’t work well.
As you explore new relationships, keep in mind what appeals to you about a single lifestyle, living together, living apart together, and a traditional marriage. Be realistic about the value of your time. Which of these would enrich your life? Your life as a couple? Would one make you happier than the others? If you are in a relationship, which would make both you and your partner happy?
Whichever of these retirement lifestyles you choose, be creative. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Nurture it so you and your relationship will grow stronger and deeper.