Synchronizing Retirement for Couples
I’ll never forget the day my husband and I had our first brush with the “when to retire?” conversation. He was turning sixty and I was fifty-three. I was so excited and into my career as a therapist that the thought of the “R” word hadn’t even crossed my mind. Yet Tom was at the stage of his life where he wanted to at least begin the conversation and I wasn’t a willing participant. He was frustrated and I was insensitive and, for the most part, unaware.
Over the next several years, several of life’s circumstances and family illnesses made me realize how fragile life can be. These changes modified my unrealistic attitude about life’s third act. I came to understand the importance of planning for this significant transition and not waiting too long to have these conversations. This journey ultimately led me to my encore career—Life and Work Transitions Coaching coupled with my therapy practice. Having helped my therapy clients make so many life transitions over many years as a therapist, this was a nice compliment to my therapy practice.
For years, I’ve talked to a number of couples, listened to friends and family, and read numerous stories and books about how challenging the decision regarding when to retire can be for a couple with different needs and desires. There didn’t seem to be any answers, except that every one of us is different and talking about it is the best place to start. Let’s explore this topic.
What’s The Problem?
As I thought about all the couples I know who have retired or are retiring, I noticed many more couples retire at different times instead of synchronizing their retirements to occur at the same time. Throughout most marriages, each spouse develops a rhythm of going to work and coming home each day. Couples then decide who will do what chores and how much time they want to spend together on the weekends. These are predictable routines that may last for twenty or thirty years or more.
However, when one spouse retires and the other is still working, that rhythm is disrupted, and it can throw the relationship off-balance. It’s easy to see why expectations of spousal roles often change. The working spouse might expect the retired spouse to do more chores around the house like fix meals, clean, and run errands. The question at the end of the day often sounds like: “So what did you do today, honey?” Working spouses might also worry about the retired spouse not having enough to do during the day which might cause him/her to become bored and possibly even depressed. For this reason, some spouses feel pressure to be home earlier than usual when they have been used to staying at work longer to get the job done. Or, the still-employed spouse is diligent about creating a “honey do list” to keep the partner “busy.” This approach puts the partner into a more passive role when a more constructive approach could be having discussions about what would be fulfilling for him/her instead of relying on the spouse to create an agenda. This is why pre-planning is so important!
Once retired, a spouse may want more couple’s time in the evenings and on weekends while the spouse who is still working really needs some time alone to relax and regroup after being at work all day/week. These various changes in behaviors and needs can cause conflict in a marriage.
Gender Differences
With more women starting their careers later in life, husbands often precede their wives in retirement. You must know couples where the wife is still working and the husband is at home without a plan and feeling somewhat at loose ends. This puts stress on the marriage, causing the husband to want to find something else to do that could take the place of work. He often defaults to work because he just doesn’t know what else to do.
Because husbands have often been the primary breadwinners, many are ready to retire in their mid-sixties. Often wives who have been home are protective of their territory and want husbands to delay retirement to prevent any impact on couple interaction, income, and perhaps even lifestyle. When husbands are finally ready to retire due to burnout or medical problems, wives can be quite protective of their territory. This situation can be another battleground without a conversation before retirement happens.
Some spouses are faced with forced retirement. My brother flew for a major airline for almost thirty years. He still loves to fly. He did not want to retire at sixty but was forced to do so by the airline’s age limit. He and his wife were not prepared for the adjustments to this transition, but over time they worked it out. Both agreed that preplanning would have created a softer landing into retirement.
The Income Shift
Another challenge for couples is worrying about their income decreasing when one spouse leaves work. Some people stay at work simply to maintain their current lifestyles. However, retirement often cannot be delayed when health issues interfere with one’s ability to work. Will you be prepared?
When couples who own a business together want to slow down, it is extremely important to pre-plan for retirement early enough. Some questions to consider: Will their children take over the business? Will they sell it? Can one spouse phase out before the other or will they both retire together?
Sometimes a couple might plan to retire within three to five years of each other. Once the first spouse retires, the other spouse may find an earlier retirement is much more appealing. Once they see their spouse enjoying retirement, the couple may need to renegotiate the time frame so they won’t compromise their financial plans. Otherwise, this change of plans may cause resentments.
Age differences and health issues also affect retirement timing. A spouse turning sixty-five might be ready to retire due to fatigue and burnout. However, the other spouse might be concerned they will lose the stability of the working income. Couples like this really need to focus on negotiating their different needs and work towards cooperation and compromise.
The “When To Retire” Conversation
After working with couples for twenty-five years, I believe one of the most important conversations a couple can have is timing their retirement, whether they’re retiring together or separately. These conversations should begin in their early fifties and be ongoing to compensate for unexpected circumstantial adjustments that occur in all our lives.
At a minimum, these “timing of retirement” conversations should include the following:
- The dynamics of balancing responsibilities in spousal roles.
- The stressors that may occur like illness, financial uncertainty, career burnout, aging parents, dependent adult children etc.
- Realistic expectations of each spouse upon retiring either together or separately.
- How to negotiate this transition if a spouse is forced to retire or wants to delay retirement.
My husband and I are both in the process of phased retirements. Neither of us wanted to retire at the traditional age of sixty-five. We are both still going strong at seventy-five and eighty-two but at a more reasonable pace. However, we both agree that over time we want to increase the relaxed pace we are cultivating. For now, we are enjoying the intellectual, social, and physical stimulation of our lifestyle and workstyle as we continue to make the best of our lives for the rest of our lives.
Dee
As you face the challenges due to COVID-19 as well as changes and transitions in life and work, I welcome the opportunity to assist you. I am available for virtual consultations and virtual presentations at this time instead of corporate and group seminars and community workshops. Please contact me.
Dee Cascio
Author, Speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
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