Dealing with aging parents driving is even more challenging than caring for elderly relatives (which I wrote about in “Caring for aging parents”). They want freedom and control. You want them to be safe.
After their living situation, the second most difficult discussion you will have is when you realize, before your parents do, that they need to adjust their driving behavior. When you have older parents who still want the freedom to plan a vacation they will drive to, this issue begins to become more complicated. For aging parents, driving allows them the freedom to go and do whatever they desire. The challenge for the sandwich generation to maintain peace of mind, is how to manage the risk of unsafe driving for your parents and for others on the road.
Some of this can be addressed as they make summer vacation plans and work out the details. A simple honest discussion or two or three may be necessary. Together, you can look at routes and actual driving conditions using Google maps. You can enlist friends who have traveled this way before to offer advice and cautionary tales. Perhaps your parents will see the merit of a bus tour instead of, for instance, driving Glacier National Park’s Going To The Sun Road themselves. One of my friends was adamant she didn’t want her parents to drive that road.
There comes a time when it is necessary to address these issues as you begin to see signs of decline in driving skills, judgement, and awareness. This conversation will probably be a tough one because most parents are very reluctant to give up their car keys. Some aging parents self-manage by limiting themselves to daytime driving, driving only on neighborhood streets, avoiding major highways, and only going to places like the grocery store, a friend’s home, and church. Aging parents who self-manage make your job a whole lot easier. Aging parents driving as if nothing has changed is another matter.
The Freedom Of Driving
It is easy to understand the emotional aspect that driving your own car provides to each of us. You probably remember, as a teen, the burst of freedom that came from being able to drive without your parents being in the car. It was exhilarating and you felt like you were finally grown up. This scenario has been playing out for well over 100 years and no doubt your parents can remember the same moment in their lives. Being able to drive anywhere at any time is a form of freedom and independence that is difficult to replace. There is no coordination with anyone else for a ride. You just get in the car and go. It’s no wonder that our parents resist the loss of the car and the car keys. Someday, we will be in that same situation.
It is true that some aging individuals shouldn’t be driving at all. Periodically, we read about some 90-year-old person hitting the accelerator instead of the brake and running into a crowd of people or into a building. We find ourselves shaking our heads and wondering why someone wasn’t monitoring their driving. You have to be careful and responsible, so you don’t become that person who wasn’t paying attention. While the subject of where to live is mostly a personal safety issue, driving a car is a safety issue for the general public.
Unfortunately, there are no specific qualifiers that determine if or when an older person should be asked to give up their car keys. Some people begin to self-manage by not driving at night and not driving long distances, but just running errands in the community in which they live. That helps to cut down on risk and may even make it easier to begin the conversation about safe driving and keep the topic open for discussion. Others are firmly against giving up their freedom.
Everyone Is Different
Because everyone ages at a different rate, there is no specific age that a person should begin to limit their driving. I remember years ago, Jay Leno interviewed a woman who was still driving and living alone at 105 years old. This woman was amazing and came from a family with a history of longevity. She was sharp as a tack and talked about the volunteer and charity work she still did on a weekly basis. She had also just passed her driving test a few days earlier. It wasn’t discussed, but my sense listening to this woman was that she appropriately self-managed her driving behavior.
In the past thirty years, society has finally gotten serious about impaired driving. Alcohol and drugs have received most of the attention and, more recently, cell phones and texting are on everybody’s radar screen. With our population aging and reaching retirement age over the next several decades, there will be an unprecedented number of people who will reach that time in their lives when driving becomes questionable. I expect to see more focused attention on the issue of elderly people driving.
Don’t wait to discuss your aging parents driving. They may have concerns about their (or their spouse’s) driving skills but not know how to secure the free and low-cost transportation available in many areas.