Caring For Aging Parents Part II: Who’s In The Driver’s Seat?
The Driving Challenge
In my March Retirement Lifestyle Strategies newsletter, I talked about the challenge of planning for your retirement while caring for aging parents and their need to be in a safe place.
After their living situation, the second most difficult discussion you will have is when you realize, before your parents do, that they need to adjust their driving behavior. This conversation will probably be a tough one because most parents are very reluctant to give up their car keys. Some aging parents self-manage by limiting themselves to daytime driving, driving only on neighborhood streets, avoiding major highways, and only going to places like the grocery store, a friend’s home, and church. Aging parents who self-manage make your job a whole lot easier.
The Freedom Of Driving
It is easy to understand the emotional aspect that driving your own car provides to each of us. You probably remember the burst of freedom that came from being able to drive without your parents being in the car. It was exhilarating and you felt like you were finally grown up. This scenario has been playing out for well over 100 years and no doubt your parents can remember the same moment in their lives. Being able to drive anywhere at any time is a form of freedom and independence that is difficult to replace. There is no coordination with anyone else for a ride. You just get in the car and go. It’s no wonder that our parents resist the loss of the car keys. Someday, we will be in that same situation.
It is true that some aging individuals shouldn’t be driving at all. Periodically, we read about some 90 year old person hitting the accelerator instead of the brake and running into a crowd of people or into a building. We find ourselves shaking our heads and wondering why someone wasn’t monitoring their driving. You have to be careful and responsible so you don’t turn out to be that person. While the subject of where to live is mostly a personal safety issue, driving a car is a safety issue for the general public. Unfortunately, there are no specific qualifiers that determine if and when an older person should be asked to give up their car keys.
Everyone Is Different
Because everyone ages at a different rate, there is no specific age that a person should begin to limit their driving. Recently, Jay Leno interviewed a woman who was still driving and living alone at 105 years old. This woman was amazing and came from a family with a history of longevity. She was sharp as a tack and talked about the volunteer and charity work she still does on a weekly basis. She had also just passed her driving test a few days earlier. It wasn’t discussed, but my sense listening to this woman was that she appropriately self-managed her driving behavior.
In the past thirty years, society has finally gotten serious about impaired driving. Alcohol and drugs have received most of the attention and, more recently, cell phones and texting are on everybody’s radar screen. Over the next several decades, there will be an unprecedented number of people who will reach that time in their lives when driving becomes questionable. I expect to see more focused attention on the issue of elderly people driving. How will we assess their ability to drive safely?
The “Take A Driving Test” Approach
I remember when our family faced this very same situation. My dad was still driving at 86 and was involved in several small scrapes and fender benders. He hit a mailbox and then had a minor accident in a parking lot resulting in the police being called. Let me just say that’s all that we really ever knew about, but there were probably other incidents as well. What was especially worrisome was the fact that my father had always been known for his “lead foot.” Unfortunately, this behavior did not change as he got older. In fact, it got worse.
My siblings and I decided that the only way we could manage the situation was to insist that my dad take a driving test. What happened the day of the test was really amazing. My father has always been a very proud man, and we suspected that he was concerned about being embarrassed if he failed the test. Consequently, he walked into the New York DMV, gave his driver’s license to a staff member, and said, “I don’t think I’ll need this anymore.” Everyone in the office clapped and my dad smiled. This worked out well for everyone because it became my dad’s decision to give up his license and his car keys.
Driving Alternatives
After your aging parents relinquish their car keys, they will need help getting from one place to another. This is where the issue of where they will be living becomes an important factor. Living near public transportation should be a priority when helping your parents to “downsize.” You need to anticipate these problems and figure out the alternatives ahead of time. There are services starting up in a number of communities across the country that provide volunteer drivers for the elderly population. There are also paid drivers who take the elderly to medical appointments, shopping, church, etc. Sometimes aging parents have access to younger friends who will also provide rides.
In future newsletters, I will be discussing other concerns readers have expressed about caring for their elderly parents: issues like handling their finances, dealing with medical problems, addressing nutrition concerns, and insuring physical safety. I will also be discussing the serious issues of elderly vulnerability and how to avoid the kind of people who will prey on your parents.
For now, make the best of your life for the rest of your life.
Dee
Dee Cascio
Author, speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
The Life and Work Transitions Community
You’ve joined a great group — people who plan to make successful transitions in life and work. May you be inspired to use your strengths and skills to grow in this season and may each transition be your best ever.
Want more help for your life and work transitions?
Check out the Life and Work Transitions Strategies blog
Ready To Retire? Successful Retirement Planning To Make The Best Of The Rest Of Your Life
