As I work with couples who are in the pre-retirement life transition, many have no idea what their spouse is thinking, longing for, or dreaming about when it comes to their retirement lifestyle and where to retire. Some have such diverse interests, they are actually considering living apart together, which means living in different places for periods of time, or maybe indefinitely, while remaining in a relationship.
At this life stage, there are no buffers or distractions, because the children are gone, spouses aren’t climbing the corporate ladder, and most of us have come to a place of accepting ourselves and the life we’ve created. After spending all these years together and working out other challenges, living apart together has the potential to threaten your marriage and actually cause divorce. Having these important conversations before retirement about topics that will affect the rest of your lives will prevent a lot of conflict, disappointment, and disillusionment going forward.
I’m always in favor of working it out whenever it’s possible, not only because I’m a therapist as well as a coach, but because I have seen the value in the growth that occurs when you can listen to your partner and actually hear what they are saying. Why settle for “living apart together”?
Instead, set up a time to talk and work through your issues. Remember:
• Listening and talking are two important communication skills.
• Listening is a crucial part of communication. If you’re thinking about what you’re going to say in response to what your partner is sharing, you won’t be listening well.
• Quieting your reactivity is a major challenge for many people. However, the ability to stay open and not react will minimize the potential for conflict.
• Minimize conflict by making sure you reflect on what you are hearing your partner say. This will clear up any misinterpretations.
• Stay on the topic and, if another situation related to it comes up, agree that you will come back and discuss that topic at the next meeting.
• Manage conflict with a “let’s take a break” approach for unexpected emotional reactions to a particular issue. If you overreact, take a break and come back to that issue at another time, but make sure that you do return to that conversation. Don’t avoid it.
Keep working until you find a retirement lifestyle solution for both of you in your retirement years. Read how my spouse and I worked it out in Where Will You Retire?: A Retirement Guide And Exercises For Deciding Where To Retire, Buy A Second Home, Or Relocate* affiliate link
