Caring for aging parents is one of the biggest challenges that we boomers face. It is hard helping aging parents balance their safety and vulnerability issues with their independence. Complicating this problem is the fact that you may find yourself in what is affectionately called the sandwich generation. Many younger boomers still have children at home, in college, or just coming out of college who still need support. On the other side of the timeline are their aging parents. This is often an unappreciated and complex aspect of the retirement transition.
Your aging parents have functioned well throughout their lives without depending on you or your siblings. If they have been lucky enough to reach 80 years or beyond, you probably have noticed some areas of their lives where there is less competence and more vulnerability. Their skills are not completely gone but clearly they are not as proficient as they used to be.
There are numerous issues that many boomers are facing on a daily basis with their aging parents. In this post, I will concentrate on one of the two most contentious issues you might have to face with your parents: living arrangements. Driving is the other big issue in caring for aging parents.
Too Much House, Not Enough Help
Many aging parents are still living in the home where they raised their families. They are often overwhelmed by trying to keep it clean, make repairs, and pay for things they used to do themselves, like yard work and minor repairs along with accessibility repairs. They love their homes but they can’t stay on top of the upkeep. They might call on you for help and because you are still working and raising your own kids, it’s hard to meet your aging parents’ needs.
You might begin to make suggestions like “Mom and dad, how about having someone come in to clean once every few weeks?” or “I’ll try to find somebody to make that repair.“ Then you will probably hear “We don’t feel comfortable having someone come into our house” or “I’ve been fixing things around the house for years so I can take care of it.” However, when you go back to visit them, you can tell that nothing has been done. You might also notice other things like a burner on the stove left on, a broken window, or a leaking faucet. Your anxiety becomes more intense as you see that your mom has the same outfit on that she had on three days earlier. Adding to your worry, you find out your siblings haven’t visited your parents in several weeks or months.
These are some of the issues I have heard over the years in my conversations with clients, friends, and colleagues who are considering retiring yet still have these kinds of responsibilities. They are frustrated and confused about how to handle these unending tasks. Ideally, it would be great if aging parents were willing or able to say “we are thinking about changing our home situation and would like to talk to you about it.” Because this seldom happens, you have to take a more proactive approach.
What My Cousins Did
A family member moved her mother from upstate New York to a very nice assisted-living facility in Virginia. Her father had died several years earlier and since then, her mother has been living alone in the house they all grew up in. My four cousins have been worried that my aunt might fall or have an accident and there would be no one close by to help. After many trips to visit with their mom, they invited her to come down to Virginia and stay for a couple of months. Predictably, my aunt couldn’t wait to get back to her home in New York. However, over the next year, she became more amenable to the concept of moving. As a result of steady patience and persuasion from her four children, she finally admitted she couldn’t handle the house anymore. They sold her house in New York and she lived in an independent living facility until she passed away. Life was easier for everyone because her adult children and relatives in the area could see my aunt more often, take her places, and we all knew she enjoyed her life because it was fuller and she was more engaged. We all felt better because we knew her medical needs could be met in a timely manner.
My blog post “Caring for aging parents” provides additional resources and questions to help you prepare for this stage of your parents’ lives.