What myths about singles do you believe? In my post “Will you be going solo in retirement?” I talked about Eric Klinenberg’s book Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone. He pointed out that singleness is a choice not a myth. Even though being a couple is still the norm in our society, singleness becomes more common as we age due to life choices or the death of one’s spouse.
Klinenberg conducted 300 in-depth interviews with single individuals across all age groups. The following myths about singles and living alone emerged:
Myth #1: Single people are desperate, elderly, isolated, lonely, looking for a mate, and/or sad
Myth #2: Single individuals would rather live with their adult children than create an independent lifestyle of their own
Myths About Singles Disproved
People successfully living a single lifestyle can and do
• Enjoy their independence
• Make good decisions, without having to compromise with anyone
• Like living alone
• Find satisfaction in their lifestyle choice
• Have strong support networks
• Get resourceful about meeting people
• Stay engaged socially
• Know themselves and their strengths
We All Need Good Relationships
In 1938, Harvard researchers began the Grant Study. In the last 82 years, it has looked at the physical and emotional well-being of the initial 268 Harvard sophomores and grown to include their progeny. Robert Waldinger, current and fourth director of the study and a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital as well as a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, stated that “relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on both our physical and mental health. The study revealed that close relationships more than money or fame are what keep people happy throughout their lives. The quality of our relationships are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ or even genes.” Waldinger also concluded that “the people with the best relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.” He went on to say “loneliness kills. It’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.”
This underscores how important it is for all of us to build and maintain healthy relationships throughout our lives. Our longevity may depend on it.
Going Solo Successfully
Dispel the myths about singles. Be intentional about a solo lifestyle.
• Single or married, always create and nurture a strong and positive support system of friends, family, colleagues, etc.
While a deep and intimate relationship with your spouse/partner is essential to your happiness, you must develop strong support beyond that relationship. Some singles fear isolation when retired from the social support benefit of work, which makes it even more important to nurture relationships outside of work.
• Explore your interests and engage in activities that will help build your social network or tribe.
Being single forces you to be more resourceful to stay engaged.
• Have a backup plan of friends and family if you might need unexpected medical assistance and support.
• Balance the time you spend alone with the time you are socially engaged.
Extroverts thrive on being with others and actually derive energy from this. Introverts, on the other hand, need alone time to recover after socializing.
• Create a healthy balance between independence and interdependence.
• Know that feeling lonely at times is normal.
Plans can change or fall through. Emergencies happen. Have alternative strategies in mind for when this happens and read a book, go to a movie, meditate, call a friend, etc.
• Nurture relationships with singles and with couples.
This is a great way to build your support system.