There are gender differences in retirement. These are most apparent when it comes time to retire. Retirement-age women often have not had the opportunity to build up as much retirement savings as their male counterparts, so they continue working. Their retired spouses, who have not cultivated other interests, may need retirement coaching to begin to lay the groundwork for a successful transition. In my experience presenting to groups and doing individual coaching, men have more difficulty with this transition.
As I thought about all the couples I know who have retired or are retiring, I noticed many more couples retire at different times instead of synchronizing their retirements to occur at the same time. Throughout most marriages, each spouse develops a daily rhythm of going to work and coming home, along with after-work activities. Couples then decide who will do what chores and how much time they can spend together on the weekends, depending on their interests and commitments. These are predictable routines that may last for twenty or thirty years or more.
However, when one spouse retires and the other is still working, that rhythm is disrupted, and it can throw the relationship off-balance. Except for those pesky gender differences in retirement, it’s easy to see why expectations of spousal roles often change. The working spouse might expect the retired spouse to do more chores around the house like fix meals, clean, and run errands. The question at the end of the day often sounds like: “So what did you do today, honey?” Working spouses might also worry about the retired spouse not having enough to do during the day. Not having a purpose to each day or some degree of structure might cause the retired spouse to become bored and possibly depressed. For this reason, some spouses feel pressure to be home earlier than usual when they have been used to staying at work longer to get the job done. Or, the working spouse is diligent about creating a “honey do list” to keep their partner “busy.” This approach puts their partner into a more passive role when a more constructive approach could be having discussions about what would be fulfilling for him/her instead of relying on the working spouse to create an agenda. This is why pre-planning is so important! These pre-retirement questions, even after retirement, can help.
Once retired, a spouse may want more couple’s time in the evenings and on weekends while the spouse who is still working really needs some time alone to relax and regroup after being at work all day/week. These various changes in behaviors and needs can cause conflict in a marriage.
With more women starting their careers later in life, husbands often precede their wives in retirement. You must know couples where the wife is still working and the husband is at home without a plan and feeling somewhat at loose ends. This puts stress on the marriage for both spouses, causing the husband to want to find something else to do that could take the place of work. He may often default to work because he just doesn’t know what else to do. The working spouse may end up feeling responsible for the retired spouse’s happiness, which isn’t healthy for the relationship.
Because husbands have often been the primary breadwinners, many are ready to retire in their mid-sixties. Often wives who have been home are protective of their territory and want husbands to delay retirement to prevent any impact on couple interaction, income, and perhaps even lifestyle. When husbands are finally ready to retire due to burnout or medical problems, wives often worry about the impact that might have on their territory and schedules. This situation can be another battleground without a conversation before retirement occurs. All of these reflect gender differences in retirement.
Some spouses are faced with forced retirement. My brother flew for a major airline for almost thirty years. He still loves to fly. He did not want to retire at sixty but was forced to do so by the airline’s age limit. He and his wife were not prepared for the adjustments to this transition, but over time they worked it out. Both agreed that preplanning would have created a softer landing into their next chapter.
Simply being aware of gender differences in retirement and communicating about differing desires and expectations will go a long way to giving you both the life you want now.