Do you know how to discuss downsizing with aging parents? If your parents are like most, they are fiercely independent and loathe moving out of the family home and their familiar surroundings. I touched on this in “Caring for aging parents: housing.” Now let’s explore how to have this all-important conversation.
Seven Suggestions To Begin The Conversation
1. Begin a conversation about how overwhelmed they seem to be and ask if they would consider possibly downsizing to a smaller home or condominium. Gently sharing with them what you’ve noticed in terms of changes in their situation could help bring reality to a more conscious level. Another way to approach them is to express concern over their health and safety.
2. Try sharing with your parents what you and your spouse are talking about and planning for your next life stage. You might talk about your own plan to downsize when the kids are finished with college. Let them know that you have already set up a will and trust along with other preparations for your own retirement lifestyle. This self-disclosure may help them open up and be more willing to talk about this transition in their own lives.
3. Enlist the help of your physician or geriatric specialist who can also provide some approaches that are best to take when aging parents are having difficulty making some of these transitions. A resource book is The Parent Care Conversation, Six Strategies For Dealing With The Emotional And Financial Challenges Of Aging Parents by Dan Taylor, 2006.
4. Sometimes parents have already discussed moving but don’t know where they want to live or what is really available. Should they live in a condo or in a neighborhood that has graduated care where people can move from independent living to assisted living to nursing care? Many parents are reluctant to give up their homes and their independence because they can’t envision the alternatives. Only you can imagine your parents’ reaction to asking them if they want to move in with you. This step should be taken very cautiously because it affects so many areas of everyone’s life.
5. Many communities are beginning to create villages where all age groups are clustered within one community and generations help each other. The young provide help and services for the elderly who live alone. Older adults who are capable of helping with childcare and rides for kids contribute back to the younger families. Here is a website that you might find helpful to learn more about these kinds of communities. It is called Aging In Community.
6. How to discuss downsizing with aging parents—and having the actual discussion—is something you have to figure out before there is an accident or emergency. Start today.
7. Unfortunately, some parents will not budge until there is a crisis. If and when that does happen, it is perfectly okay for you to take charge and say, “We have been very patient and understanding but at this point you have two choices in terms of your living situation.” Perhaps choice 1 is a single-level apartment in a retirement community and choice 2 is home-healthcare. Or choice 1 is assisted living and choice 2 is living with you. You need to know what they can afford before presenting these choices. At this point, you have to be firm and tell them that the present situation is no longer an option. Be ready with those two choices and a plan so you can act quickly. This will be more complicated if you are dealing with medical issues as well.
Know that you are not alone in facing how to discuss downsizing with aging parents. I am here to help and support you.