How Boomers Face The Difficult Challenges Of Caring For Aging Parents — Part 1
Introduction
One of the biggest challenges that boomers often face is helping aging parents balance their safety and vulnerability issues while still trying to preserve their independence. Complicating this situation is the fact that many of you find yourself in what is affectionately called the “sandwich generation.” We might still have children at home, in college, or just coming out of college who still need our support. On the other side of the timeline are our aging parents. This is often an unanticipated and complex aspect of the retirement transition. You had always counted on the fact that once the kids were gone, you would finally be free. Belatedly, you discover a whole new set of responsibilities with your aging parents.
The Challenge
Throughout their lives, your aging parents have always functioned well without depending on you or your siblings. However, as they have aged, you begin to notice some areas of their lives where there is less competence and more vulnerability. While their skills are not completely compromised, it is clear to you they are not as proficient as they once were.
In the coming months, I will periodically focus on some of the complex and frustrating problems associated with aging parents. In this newsletter, I will concentrate on perhaps the most sensitive issue you might have to face with your parents: their living arrangements.
Too Much House, Not Enough Help
Many aging parents are still living in the home where they raised their families. They are often overwhelmed by trying to keep it clean, make repairs and pay for things they used to do themselves, like yard work. They love their homes but they can’t seem to stay on top of the upkeep.
You might begin to make suggestions like “mom and dad, how about having someone come in to clean once every few weeks?” or “I’ll try to find somebody to make that repair.” Although you’re willing to help them, don’t be discouraged when they say something like “we don’t feel comfortable having someone come into our house” or “I’ve been fixing things around this house for 40 years, so I can take care of it myself.” However, when you go back to visit, you can tell that nothing’s been done. You might also notice other things like a stove burner left on, a broken window, or a leaking faucet. Your anxiety increases as you see that one of them is still wearing the same outfit they had on three days earlier. Adding to your concerns, you find out your siblings haven’t visited your parents in several weeks.
These are some of the issues I have experienced in my family and heard over the years in my conversations with boomers who are considering retiring yet still have these kinds of responsibilities. They’re frustrated and confused about how to handle these unending problems. Ideally, it would be great if aging parents were willing or able to say “we are thinking about changing our home situation and would like to talk to you about it.” Because this seldom happens, you have to take a more proactive approach.
How A Relative Faced This Challenge
A family member recently moved her 92 year-old mother from upstate New York to a very nice assisted-living facility in Virginia. Her father had died three years ago and since then, her mother has been living alone in the house they all grew up in. This relative and her three siblings were worried that their mom might fall or have an accident and there would be no one close by to help her. After numerous trips to visit with their mom, they encouraged her to come down to Virginia and stay for a couple of winter months. Predictably, their mother couldn’t wait to get back to her own home in New York. However, over the next year, she became more amenable to the concept of moving. As a result of steady patience and persuasion from her four children, their mother finally admitted she couldn’t handle the house anymore and moved to Virginia last fall. Her home in New York has been sold and she is adjusting to her new living arrangement better than anyone expected. Life is easier for everyone because they can see their mom more often, and we all know she is being well taken care of all.
Seven Suggestions To Begin The Conversation
- Begin a conversation about how overwhelmed your parent(s) seems to be and ask if they might consider downsizing to a smaller home or condominium. Suggest that you would be willing to help them with this move. Gently share with them your sincere concerns about changes you’ve noticed in their situation and it might help bring reality to a more conscious level.
- Express concern over their health and safety. State your concern that waiting too long to make this decision may make it hard on them later as well as limit their choices.
- Share with your parents what you and your spouse are talking about and planning for in your own next life stage. You might talk about your own plan to downsize when the kids are finished with college. Let them know that you have already set up a will and a trust, along with other preparations you might have made for your own retirement lifestyle. This self-disclosure may help them open up and be more willing to talk more about this transition in their own lives.
- Enlist the help of a physician or geriatric specialist who can also provide some approaches that are best to take when aging parents are having difficulty making some of these transitions. A good resource book is The Parent Care Conversation, Six Strategies for Dealing with the Emotional and Financial Challenges of Aging Parents by Dan Taylor, 2006.
- Sometimes parents have discussed moving but are not sure where they want to live or what is really available. Do they want to live in a condo or in a neighborhood? Should they consider a graduated care facility where people can move from independent living to assisted living to nursing care? Include them in the conversation. Many parents are reluctant to give up their homes and their independence because they can’t clearly envision the alternatives. Remember that making the decision with your spouse to have your parents move in with you should be made cautiously because it affects so many areas of everyone’s life.
- Many communities are beginning to create villages where all age groups are clustered within one community and one generation helps the other. The young provide help and services for the elderly who live alone. Older adults who are capable of helping with childcare and rides for kids contribute back to the younger families. Here is a website that you might find helpful to learn more about these kinds of communities: http://www.agingincommunity.com.
- Some parents will not budge until there is an accident or an emergency. If and when that does happen, it is perfectly okay for you to take charge and say, “we have been very patient and understanding but at this moment you have two choices regarding your living situation.” You have to be firm and tell them that the present situation is no longer an option. Be ready with those two choices and a plan so you can act quickly. This will be more difficult if you are dealing with medical issues as well.
Complicating the issue of where they should move is the critical impact of their driving which I will address in a future newsletter. Having them live in housing near public transportation will help alleviate this next serious issue you will face.
Adjusting To The Role Reversal
When you were younger, most of you had parents that were there for you. As a teenager, you were probably unhappy with some of the decisions they made for you. The most difficult adjustment you will experience is realizing the roles are now reversed. You can see more clearly what is best for them. Be prepared that they may resist your suggestions. Remember to be patient yet firm with them. Even as they openly resist your help, there is a part of them that knows you are right. Let them know you understand how hard this is for them in a loving way and, hopefully, they will eventually come around.
By talking and planning ahead of time, you can help yourself AND your elderly parents make the best of the rest of your lives.
Dee
Dee Cascio
Author, speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
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