Change Is Fast, Transitions Are Slow
Change is situational.
Transitions are psychological.
It is not those events, but rather the inner reorientation or self-definition you
must go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life.
Without a transition, the change is just a rearrangement of the furniture.
Unless the transition happens, the change won’t work.”
—William Bridges
Change can happen quickly, and it’s external, visible, and tangible.
A major focus of my therapy and coaching practice is helping my clients deal with the changes they encounter in the course of their everyday lives. Many of these changes are negative but even positive changes can be problematic because clients must adjust to a new normal.
While working with these life-altering events, I help clients discern the difference between change and transition. As the title for this newsletter says, change is fast but transitions are slow. The purpose of this newsletter is to highlight the difference between change and transition.
A natural disaster can change your life and surroundings in a heartbeat. Suddenly, your life is literally turned upside down. Your home may be demolished by an earthquake, your neighborhood could be flooded, or your house might burn to the ground. I remember when my husband’s niece and her family had to leave their home because of smoke damage caused by an adjacent townhome that had caught fire. My husband’s sister left her condo and lived with us so her daughter and family could live in her condo until their home was renovated. These were the living arrangements for over a year. We all had to navigate the adjustment to this change and the transition ended well.
Within the last several years, we’ve had two family members and several friends lose their spouses to a terminal illness. Their lives have been changed forever! Even though they knew the prognosis wasn’t good, there was—understandably—a lot of hope and denial until the very end. However, it was still a life-altering change they weren’t really expecting.
There are times in our lives when we realize a major change has suddenly taken place. Here are some typical examples that have happened to my friends and family:
- It’s September and your oldest child has just left for college or further education and training. You were so busy getting ready you didn’t focus on what a huge change and empty place this leaving was going to cause.
- Your first born is starting kindergarten. You’re so used to your child being home. Suddenly they’ve moved on to their next level of education, leaving you home to cope with your new normal.
- You’ve been working at a career for almost 30 years and weren’t even thinking about retirement. You arrive at work one day only to be told you are being laid off. Fortunately, your employer is willing to provide you with early retirement benefits. Suddenly you are no longer working in the predictable environment you’ve been accustomed to and now you are home, trying to figure out how to plan your time and use that work energy in a new way.
- You’ve just experienced a freak accident like one of our family members did recently. She was driving home from the beach and had the windows in the back seat open for her two dogs to enjoy the summer breeze. Suddenly, she heard a lot of cars beeping their horns and noticed one of the dogs was missing! Unbeknown to her, one of the dogs had jumped out the window and was suddenly hit by a car. Miraculously, the dog had no broken bones and only sustained some mild lacerations and is in recovery.
Transition, on the other hand, is slow and involves an emotional adjustment, which is internal, invisible, and intangible.
For each of the above examples, there will be a transition that will take time for all involved. The transition after a child leaves home or starts school will be followed by adjusting to the absence of their presence in your day-to-day life. How do you transition to the new reality of fewer family members at home? How will your adult child adjust to being away from home without the security of family? When my oldest brother got married, I remember continuing to cook big meals with so much food left over. We also had an extra bed for one of four of us siblings left at home. It took us over 6 months to adjust to his absence.
When my friend was forced into retirement, she spent over a year trying to get her bearings. She realized over time that this event had so much significance because she could now take care of her health, support her husband’s teaching career, and do the things that she had always wanted to do. It just took her time to use this newfound space in a creative way.
When there is an injury to a person or animal, depending on the seriousness of what’s happened, it will take time for healing to occur. The body has its own healing process and it follows the saying that time heals and can’t be rushed.
Recently, many Bahamians lost their homes, their way of life, and many loved ones in the course of hurricane Dorian taking its time to ravage their islands. Whole families have been lost. The islands’ tapestry and the culture of their people will never be the same but that doesn’t mean that all is lost. Over time, they will rebuild but in a different way and with, perhaps, more integrity of the structures in place. It will take time.
As my friends and family members have lost their loved ones, they have had to take the time to grieve those losses. It’s helped that they’ve received the love and support of family and friends. However, the grieving process can’t be rushed. It has a mind of its own. Allowing the grieving process to take place while you’re still living your life to the best of your ability leads to a healthier outcome and paves the way for a more successful new beginning.
Be prepared for some of the emotions that will result from being in transition. I will talk more about the emotions you might experience during a transition in my October newsletter.
Remember “Change is FAST. Transition is SLOW.” As you let go of one aspect of your life, you’re creating space for another.
Here are some ways you can honor the pace of your transition whatever the change you’re going through:
Patience is a skill that many of us don’t practice enough. We live in a culture of instant gratification and want things to happen quickly. Our tolerance for discomfort is at an all-time high. So many of our population originally began using opioids to minimized physical pain quickly and are now dying as a result of opioid addiction. Patience is necessary to move through any transition because there is no rushing this process. I know because I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. Some changes will take longer that others to adjust to but it will eventually happen.
Indecision steals many years from many people who
wind up wishing they’d just had the courage to leap.”
—Doe Zantamada
Decisions often must be made when there has been a change in your life. Sifting through what is different during the transition and how to adjust requires that you look at all your options and do what is best for you, your loved one, and all of those affected by the change. Avoiding important decisions because you think it will make this transition proceed more quickly can be reckless.
If your spouse has died and you have young children, how will you make sure they are safe and well cared for? If you have been forced into a move because of your job, delaying researching and finding a new home in the new location can add undue stress to the whole family and your colleagues.
Confidence is your capacity to appreciate your own abilities or qualities in any situation. It is a skill we learn early in our lives to help us build trust in ourselves to be competent and able to face life’s changes and challenges. Children develop confidence by learning new and different skills as they grow up, even if it’s hard or takes a long time. It’s the challenge that requires them to exercise their confidence muscle that they can rely on when life isn’t so easy. I’ve worked with many clients over the years who were faced with a huge change in their lives and did a remarkable job of making the transition successfully because they never doubted themselves, even though they may have been scared. They moved through it with the self-assuredness we all could be using if we only trusted ourselves.
Resilience. Webster defines resilience as our ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. Bonnie Bernard, M.S.W. in her article, The Foundations of the Resiliency Framework, refers to several longitudinal research studies indicating that even children born into high-risk and dysfunctional families have the capacity to lead successful lives with the support of families, schools, and communities. We may not realize it, but we have already survived many other changes in our lives. Ask yourself, “How did I get through other changes in my life?” Recall what resources, strengths, friends and family, or optimistic attitude and creative problem-solving helped you through that transition. You can draw on those strengths at any time in your life. Even the most successful people must work through changes in their lives and discover ways to transition towards the light at the end of the tunnel.
A close family friend told me he knew he would have to make sacrifices to survive the aftermath of growing up with alcoholic parents. Education was his way out, along with the strong survival bond that he developed with his siblings. He became very resourceful about finding ways to be away from home and to make his own money. He spent time at the library reading and educating himself before going to college on a work-study program. When he became a parent, he took parenting classes to make sure he didn’t make the mistakes his parents had made with him. From this adversity, he learned compassion and forgiveness.
Allow yourself to be patient. Access your confidence. Make well thought out decisions. Draw on your resiliency skills. All of these will help you navigate the slow transition after a sudden life-altering change. Trust yourself—you will get through it.
Dee
Dee Cascio
Author, speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
As you face changes and transition in life and work, I welcome the opportunity to assist you through corporate presentations, group seminars, and community workshops. Please . contact me.
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Change often happens quickly and requires an immediate response. The transition period that follows a change is slower-paced and gives you time to ask yourself important questions about your core values, relationships, lifestyle, work, and legacy. The Dig Deeper questions in Ready To Retire? Successful Retirement Planning To Make The Best Of The Rest Of Your Life can help.
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The Life and Work Transitions Community
You’ve joined a great group — people who plan to make successful transitions in life and work. May you be inspired to use your strengths and skills to grow in this season and may each transition be your best ever.
Want more help for your life and work transitions?
Check out the Life and Work Transitions Strategies blog
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