Death — Creating A Softer Landing
Sadly enough, the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are left unsaid and never explained.”
—Jonathan Harnisch
One of the least talked about and most taboo transitions in our lives and in society is death. Since we won’t get out of this life alive, how can we acknowledge this life transition and prepare for it in the best way possible? Perhaps it is taboo for many because we just don’t know how to talk about it, and it scares us. Except for shared near-death experiences, most of us really don’t know what follows death beyond what we have learned and believe from our faith.
Our cultures, faiths, and traditions guide our thoughts, expectations, and attitudes about death. However, it’s human nature to be curious about the true nature of this life-altering event, both for those facing death as well as those left to grieve. But we will never know. This life transition to death is an unknown and many of us don’t do well with unpredictable life events.
Why Talk About Death Now?
The fear of death follows from the fear of life.
A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
—Mark Twain
What has prompted this newsletter is an interview I saw with Diane Rehm, a long-time radio host on WAMU who has written a book about medical aid in dying entitled When My Time Comes. Although I have mixed feelings about the subject, having read her book, this article is not about medical aid in dying. In her book, Ms. Rehm discusses many cases where patients are facing terminal illnesses. She shares their stories in interview style, telling how their families dealt with their illnesses and used the support of palliative care, hospice, and medical aid in dying.
This topic is difficult for me to write about because I have my own struggles with death. Like so many of us, I have fears, questions, thoughts, and ideas about what happens on the other side of life. It’s hard to imagine an ending to life when it has been so gratifying, exciting, fun, and fulfilling. This is especially true when I have had a wonderful life partner to share it with. What will it be like to leave this life? I don’t want it to end, but I know there will come a time when death happens in its own time and place. Will I be ready? Are any of us ever ready?
Preparations And Planning
When my mother was diagnosed with cancer in 1968, at the age of 51, our family had no idea how to talk with her about her illness or her diagnosis of only six months to live. Hospice became available in the U. S. in 1974, after her death. She defied the odds of her prognosis and lived for two and a half more years, lulling us into a state of denial. For a while, we all believed she might beat this diagnosis. Towards the end, we avoided discussions about how she was feeling about her illness and what she might want at the end of her life because we didn’t know how to have those conversations. After a long hard fight, she died at St. Joseph’s Hospital in our hometown. This is where she had worked for many years as a pediatric nurse. I was with her at the end of a long, sad vigil.
I have regrets that I didn’t have the courage or the knowledge to talk with her about how she felt as she lost her fight to live. I wanted to share my sadness of all the things she would miss, of all our family would miss not having her there. There were so many words unspoken.
We had no plans in place for my mother’s funeral, so my dad and I spent the whole morning after she died buying a casket, choosing a plot, and making funeral arrangements. Our denial had led to such complacency and unpreparedness that we had no funeral plans in place. Without planning for the inevitable, the hectic pace of our decision-making left me feeling very unsettled. I now know our inability to cope with her death and the lack of support resources in those days prolonged our grieving process, even to this day.
Forty-two years later, my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease at the age of 90, although he had symptoms long before then. We had some wonderful family times with my dad as he glided into his own unfortunate and fatal state of being.
What was missing for me was how to talk to my dad about his illness, the consequences of it, and what he might want in his final days and after his death. We all knew this was an incurable disease. How do you talk to a loved one without feeling uncomfortable or making them feel uncomfortable, especially in my dad’s situation? These conversations needed to happen before he was so cognitively compromised that he wouldn’t understand what I was saying.
Because my husband and I were working on our estate planning, I had a platform to stand on. I said to my father, “Dad, Tom and I are doing estate planning and creating a trust. We’ve been talking about our end of life wishes. It made me wonder what you would like at the end of your life.” He responded in classic John Cascio style. “I want the works!” As he briefly described what he wanted, I knew exactly what we should do. However, what was missing from this discussion was what he wanted before his death. Did he want to be at our home, at the assisted living facility where he had lived for six years, or at a hospital? We didn’t know those details and had to decide as a family what would be best and most comfortable for him. He was able to stay at Arden Courts Assisted Living for his final days.
During the last six months of his 96 years of life, I engaged hospice to support us. By 2014, there were more resources available than when my mother passed away. These resources helped us manage his palliative care and helped us better understand what was to come because of this illness. While my dad had wonderful care, I’m still disappointed these conversations did not include my father.
The most important aspect of my dad’s death was that he was surrounded by his family while he died. We all grieved together. My sister and I had also made funeral arrangements a year earlier so there would be no last-minute details to complete. It was seamless because we had planned everything including his journey back to our hometown for burial next to my mother. We had a celebration-of-life luncheon afterwards at a golf club where he often played golf, a sport he really enjoyed and played until he couldn’t anymore. With many of his family, lifelong friends, and colleagues attending the funeral and luncheon, he did indeed “get the works.”
Our Choices
The most important lesson for me after reading Diane Rehm’s book was that we all have choices about how we want our final days to look if we have illnesses that allow us that time. You should also have these conversations while you are well. If you are willing to face death and its uncertainty, you can share your wishes with loved ones to make it easier on all involved.
Do you know what kind of care you’d like and how you want to say goodbye and leave this life? Wouldn’t it make you feel more complete and help others to grieve if you gave this some thought and your loved ones knew your end-of-life wishes as well as you knew theirs?
Facing our own mortality starts with each of us. Although death is not age specific, we will inevitably encounter the loss of family, friends, and spouses, especially as we age. Each of us may or may not come to grips with accepting that death is a part of life. If we can come to a place of acceptance, we may be able to live more gracefully and die more peacefully as well as help our loved ones do the same. This is a process, and we all must start somewhere. Self-disclosure, I am working on this myself.
Beginning The Conversation
Here are some suggestions on how to embrace the concept of death so you can live life more fully.
A. Have the courage to talk with your loved ones, especially spouses and partners. Share how and where you want to be cared for towards the end of life, especially if you might be facing a terminal illness. While we can’t plan for the unexpected, we can plan for the expected. However, we need to have the courage to have these conversations. These suggestions can be helpful to family members as well as the patient.
B. Make sure you have an up-to-date will, trust and estate planning documents, do not resuscitate and medical directives, etc. This is critical to those who are left behind who will settle your estate and carry out your wishes.
C. Tell your loved ones what you want. For example, I want to:
- Know the truth about my illness, whether it is terminal or not
- Be able to talk about my feelings, fears, wishes
- Die at home, if possible OR at a hospice facility
- Have palliative care
- Have hospice care
- Donate my organs
- Choose peaceful medical aid in dying if it is legal in my state
- Have my family with me OR only my spouse/partner OR both
- Be cremated OR have a traditional burial
- Have the burial of my choice since there are additional choices these days
D. Put your wishes in writing so there is no question about what you want and put it with all your other legal documents.
E. Educate yourself
- Listen to some You Tube talks from excellent sources speaking about death like Jo Withers: We need to talk about dying and Michelle Knox: Talk about death while you’re still healthy.
- Read about near-death experiences, talk to your minister, rabbi, or clergy about your questions, worries, and fears.
- Attend a “Death Café”—I attended one and found it extremely helpful and interesting to hear other’s perspectives on death. You can find resources on the Internet.
- Encourage conversations about someone who has died to help their spirit stay alive and facilitate the grieving process.
- Help your children and grandchildren deal with loss, whether it is a pet, a family member, or a friend. There is a lot of information along with children’s books about death to help facilitate these conversations.
I wouldn’t ask anyone to do what I haven’t done myself. I must admit, this is still a “work in progress” for me. It’s a combination of life experiences with death, education, and conversations about death that have helped me come to a place of more awareness. What will you do with your awareness? I hope you will act on it. We can only do what we are willing to do.
Death is a part of life. If your loved one won’t talk about death, find someone who will so you can express yourself and your thoughts and feelings. If this newsletter encourages you to begin to think more about facing this part of life with courage, curiosity, and desire to know more for yourself and those you love, I will consider this newsletter a success.
To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.”
—J.K. Rowling
Live life to the fullest!
Dee
As you face the challenges due to COVID-19 as well as changes and transitions in life and work, I welcome the opportunity to assist you. I am available for virtual consultations and virtual presentations at this time instead of corporate and group seminars and community workshops. Please contact me.
Dee Cascio
Author, speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
The Life and Work Transitions Community
You’ve joined a great group — people who plan to make successful transitions in life and work. May you be inspired to use your strengths and skills to grow in this season and may each transition be your best ever.
Be prepared.
These books ask the questions you haven’t even thought about yet.
Ready To Retire? Successful Retirement Planning To Make The Best Of The Rest Of Your Life
