Going Solo In Retirement
There has been much more emphasis on helping couples navigate the retirement transition than there has been on those who are planning for transition to retirement without a partner or spouse. The singles lifestyle is being embraced intentionally and, in some cases, unintentionally by more people of all ages. Eric Klinenberg’s book, Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone, is an excellent book that explores the shift to more and more people living alone than ever before.
Alone At Last
I moved to Virginia from a small town in New York at the age of 26. I made the conscious decision to relocate after my mother’s death and my father’s remarriage. I was so happy to have my own apartment, make my own schedule, and enjoy the freedom to come and go as I pleased with no responsibilities. I love my family, but it was time for me to inhabit my own space after living as a family of seven in a small cottage-style home.
Northern Virginia was my first choice because my older brother as well as a close friend from my hometown had moved there. It wasn’t long before I missed my family and the hustle and bustle of extended family members coming in and out of our home. I found myself making the 6-hour trip back home more often than I had expected.
I soon realized to be successful and happy living alone as an adult, I needed to concentrate on building a support network in Virginia. Working as a teacher helped me to meet some people at work. Gradually over time, I had friends at work and in my personal life outside of work. It was great!
Before I met my husband in my mid-30s, I had decided I could live alone and be content with the solo life I had created because I had a strong support system. Even though I am happily married, I’m realistic enough to know life can change in a heartbeat, and I want to be prepared if that should ever happen. Also, working with clients who are doing a solo retirement has renewed my interest and desire to learn more about the research and trends related to singles in later life so I can be better prepared to help them.
Singles Today
Klinenberg’s research shows that people who live alone make up 28% of American households. This group consists of those choosing to be single, those who are divorced, and those who are widowed. The majority, 15 million people, are between the ages of 35 and 64, with those over 64 totaling 10 million. One in three people over the age of 65 are single. These statistics are from 2012, so I would imagine the numbers are now much higher.
Living alone has now become quite common. People realize that they can make up for not having a partner in other ways and they can live longer not being in a stressful marriage/partnership.
Klinenberg references Dr. Bella DePaulo, a Harvard-educated psychologist, author, and singles advocate who is currently an Academic Affiliate of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of California, Santa Barbara. DePaulo grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania where marriage was assumed and expected. However, as an adult she realized her lifestyle of living alone reflected who she was, and she didn’t want to change her single status. She chose to live her single life with pride even though at the time it was unconventional. DePaulo coined the term “singlism” to unmask the stereotyping and discrimination faced by single individuals. She continues to live alone and advocate for singles.
Common Myths About Singles
Being coupled in our society is the norm. However, as we age, more people will be single either by choice or because of divorce or the death of a spouse/partner.
Klinenberg’s book is based on 300 in-depth interviews conducted with people living single from all age groups. From his interviews, he revealed the following myths about living alone.
Myth #1: Singles are sad, lonely, desperate, elderly, isolated, and are looking for a mate.
Myth #2: Singles would rather live with their adult children instead of creating their own independent lifestyle.
The Truth About Singles
They:
- Enjoy their independence
- Like living alone and are satisfied with their lives
- Have strong support networks
- Are resourceful about meeting people and staying socially engaged
- Know themselves and their strengths
Relationships Are Key
In 1938 a group of Harvard researchers began studying the physical and emotional well-being of 268 Harvard sophomores over a span of 82 years. It was called the Grant Study. This research contributed to the Harvard Study Of Adult Development, one of the world’s longest studies of adult life. John F. Kennedy was in this original group and it has since expanded to include the offspring of the men in the group. Their sons and daughters are now in their 50s and 60s.
Robert Waldinger, current and fourth director of the study and a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital as well as a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, concluded that “relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on both our physical and mental health. The study revealed that close relationships more than money or fame are what keep people happy throughout their lives. The quality of our relationships are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ or even genes.” Waldinger also concluded that “the people with the best relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.” He said, “loneliness kills. It’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.” Read more 
This study highlights how important it is for singles and married couples to nurture and maintain healthy relationships throughout their lives. The ability to do this is a critical key to longevity.
Going Solo Successfully
I highly recommend Eric Klinenberg’s book Going Solo. There are interesting and revealing interviews with singles of all ages, referenced research, and an encouraging and positive outlook on the respect that “going solo” deserves. You never know when you might be single in life, especially when preparing for retirement.
Here are some suggestions for being attuned and thoughtful about this lifestyle.
- Married or single, always create and nurture a strong and positive support system of friends, family, colleagues, etc. While a deep and intimate relationship with your spouse/partner is essential to your happiness, you must develop strong support beyond that relationship. Some singles fear isolation when retired from the social support benefit of work, which makes it even more important to nurture relationships outside of work.
- Explore your interests and engage in activities that will help build your social network or tribe. Being single forces you to be more resourceful to stay engaged.
- Have a backup plan of friends and family if you might need unexpected medical assistance and support.
- Balance the time you spend alone with the time you are socially engaged. Extroverts thrive and get their energy from being with others while introverts need more recovery and alone time after socializing.
- Create a healthy balance between independence and interdependence.
- Know that feeling lonely at times is normal, especially when plans change or fall through. Have strategies for when this happens, e.g. a good movie to watch, a book to read, meditation, call a friend, etc.
- Nurture relationships with couples as well as singles. It’s a great way to build your support system.
No matter what lifestyle you have chosen, feel confident that you can be successful in whatever you choose. There is plenty of information to support your situation. Klinenberg’s book, Going Solo has resources that may be of interest to you.
Now go and make the most of the rest of your life!
Dee
As you face the challenges due to COVID-19 as well as changes and transitions in life and work, I welcome the opportunity to assist you. I am available for virtual consultations and virtual presentations at this time instead of corporate and group seminars and community workshops. Please contact me.
Dee Cascio
Author, speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
The Life and Work Transitions Community
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You don’t have to go it alone when planning for retirement. I can help.
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