How Boomers Can Face The Challenge Of Caring for Aging Parents
One of the biggest challenges that we boomers face is helping aging parents balance their safety and vulnerability issues with their independence. Complicating this problem is the fact that many of you find yourself in what is affectionately called the sandwich generation. Many younger boomers still have children at home, in college, or just coming out of college who still need your support. On the other side of the timeline are your aging parents. This is often an unappreciated and complex aspect of the retirement transition.
Your aging parents have functioned well throughout their lives without depending on you or your siblings. If they have been lucky enough to reach 80 years or beyond, you probably have noticed some areas of their lives where there is less competence and more vulnerability. Their skills are not completely gone but clearly they are not as proficient as they used to be.
There are numerous issues that many boomers are facing on a daily basis with their aging parents. In this newsletter, I will concentrate on two of the most contentious issues you might have to face with your parents: living arrangements and driving.
Too Much House, Not Enough Help
Many aging parents are still living in the home where they raised their families. They are often overwhelmed by trying to keep it clean, make repairs, and pay for things they used to do themselves, like yard work. They love their homes but they can’t stay on top of the upkeep. They might call on you for help and because you are still working and raising your own kids, it’s hard to meet your aging parents’ needs.
You might begin to make suggestions like “Mom and dad, how about having someone come in to clean once every few weeks?” or “I’ll try to find somebody to make that repair.” Then you will probably hear “We don’t feel comfortable having someone come into our house” or “I’ve been fixing things around the house for years so I can take care of it.” However, when you go back to visit them, you can tell that nothing’s been done. You might also notice other things like a burner on the stove left on, a broken window, or a leaking faucet. Your anxiety becomes more intense as you see that your mom has the same outfit on that she had on three days earlier. Adding to your worry, you find out your siblings haven’t visited your parents in several weeks or months.
These are some of the issues I have heard over the years in my conversations with clients, friends, and colleagues who are considering retiring yet still have these kinds of responsibilities. They’re frustrated and confused about how to handle these unending tasks. Ideally, it would be great if aging parents were willing or able to say “we are thinking about changing our home situation and would like to talk to you about it.” Because this seldom happens, you have to take a more proactive approach.
What My Cousins Did
A family member moved her mother from upstate New York to a very nice assisted-living facility in Virginia. Her father had died several years earlier and since then, her mother has been living alone in the house they all grew up in. My four cousins have been worried that my aunt might fall or have an accident and there would be no one close by to help. After many trips to visit with their mom, they invited her to come down to Virginia and stay for a couple of months. Predictably, my aunt couldn’t wait to get back to her home in New York. However, over the next year, she became more amenable to the concept of moving. As a result of steady patience and persuasion from her four children, she finally admitted she couldn’t handle the house anymore. They sold her house in New York and she lived in an independent living facility until she passed away. Life was easier for everyone because her adult children and relatives in the area could see my aunt more often, take her places, and we all knew she enjoyed her life because it was fuller and she was more engaged. We all felt better because we knew her medical needs could be met in a timely manner.
Six Suggestions To Begin The Conversation
- Begin a conversation about how overwhelmed they seem to be and ask if they would consider possibly downsizing to a smaller home or condominium. Gently sharing with them what you’ve noticed in terms of changes in their situation could help bring reality to a more conscious level. Another way to approach them is to express concern over their health and safety.
- Try sharing with your parents what you and your spouse are talking about and planning for your next life stage. You might talk about your own plan to downsize when the kids are finished with college. Let them know that you have already set up a will and trust along with other preparations for your own retirement lifestyle. This self-disclosure may help them open up and be more willing to talk about this transition in their own lives.
- Enlist the help of your physician or geriatric specialist who can also provide some approaches that are best to take when aging parents are having difficulty making some of these transitions. A resource book is The Parent Care Conversation, Six Strategies For Dealing With The Emotional And Financial Challenges Of Aging Parents by Dan Taylor, 2006.
- Sometimes parents have already discussed moving but don’t know where they want to live or what is really available. Should they live in a condo or in a neighborhood that has graduated care where people can move from independent living to assisted living to nursing care? Many parents are reluctant to give up their homes and their independence because they can’t envision the alternatives. Only you can imagine your parents’ reaction to asking them if they want to move in with you. This step should be taken very cautiously because it affects so many areas of everyone’s life.
- Many communities are beginning to create villages where all age groups are clustered within one community and generations help each other. The young provide help and services for the elderly who live alone. Older adults who are capable of helping with childcare and rides for kids contribute back to the younger families. Here is a website that you might find helpful to learn more about these kinds of communities. It’s called Aging In Community.
- Some parents will not budge until there is an accident or an emergency. If and when that does happen, it is perfectly okay for you to take charge and say, “We have been very patient and understanding but at this point you have two choices in terms of your living situation.” At this point, you have to be firm and tell them that the present situation is no longer an option. Be ready with those two choices and a plan so you can act quickly. This will be more complicated if you are dealing with medical issues as well.
What Are We Going To Do About Mom And Dad’s Driving?
In addition to the challenge of planning for your retirement while caring for aging parents and their need to be in a safe place, there is the driving issue.
You may realize before your parents do that they may need to begin adjusting their driving behavior. You may have become their chauffeur in addition to other caregiving responsibilities. If you are fortunate, your aging parents will self-manage by limiting themselves to daytime driving, driving only on neighborhood streets, avoiding major highways, and only going to places like the grocery store and church. Self-managing aging parents makes your job a lot easier.
Because everyone ages at different rates, there is no specific age that a person should begin to limit their driving. Recently, Jay Leno interviewed a woman who was still driving and living alone at 105 years old. She had just passed her driving test a few days earlier. This woman was amazing and came from a family with a history of longevity. It wasn’t discussed but my sense listening to this woman was that she self-manages her driving behavior. She talked about the volunteer and charity work she still does on a weekly basis.
However, there are parents that are more stubborn about giving up the keys. Some aging parents just shouldn’t be driving at all. I remember when my dad was still driving at 86 and was involved in several small scrapes and fender benders. He hit a mailbox and then had a minor accident in a parking lot resulting in the police being called. Let me just say that’s all that we really ever knew about, but there were probably other incidents as well. My siblings and I decided that the only way we could manage the situation was to ask my dad to take a driving test. What happened the day of the test was really amazing. My father was a very proud man, and we suspected that he was concerned about being embarrassed if he failed the test. Consequently, he walked in to the New York DMV, gave his driver’s license to a staff member, and said, “I don’t think I’ll be needing this anymore.” Everyone in the office clapped and my dad smiled. This worked out well for everyone because it became my dad’s decision to give up his license and his keys.
After your aging parents relinquish their keys, they will need help getting from one place to another. You need to anticipate this and figure out the alternatives ahead of time. There are more services starting in a number of communities across the country that provide volunteer drivers for the elderly population. There are also paid drivers who take the elderly to medical appointments, shopping, church, etc. Sometimes aging parents have access to younger friends who will also provide rides. For any parents who can use the phone app, Uber and Lyft offer additional transportation options.
By talking and planning ahead of time, you can help yourself AND your elderly parents make the best of the rest of your lives.
Dee
As you face life’s challenges, I welcome the opportunity to assist you. I am offering corporate and group seminars as virtual consultations and virtual presentations. Please contact me.
Dee Cascio
Author, Speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
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Resources for you and your aging parents
Ready To Retire? Successful Retirement Planning To Make The Best Of The Rest Of Your Life
