Make The Most Of Emotions During A Transition
There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves
and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself.”
—Brian Andreas
Many of us were raised to avoid or deny our emotions. For the most part, our parents weren’t equipped to help us understand and name our emotions and feelings. It wasn’t because they were deliberately negligent but because they often didn’t have the skills or knowledge to deal with their own emotions, let alone ours. They did the best they could with what they had to give to us. I believe that parents these days are doing a much better job of teaching their children emotional awareness and how they are a precursor to recognizing feelings.
What Is The Difference Between Emotions And Feelings?
Dr. Sarah McKay, neuroscientist and author of Your Brain Health, using Antonio Damasio’s research, describes the difference in this way: Emotions are lower level responses occurring in the subcortical region of the brain, the amygdala, and the prefrontal cortex of the brain, creating biochemical reactions in your body and altering your physical state. Emotions precede feelings and are physical as well as “instinctual.” Because they are physical, they can be objectively measured by blood flow, brain activity, facial micro-expressions, and body language.
Feelings, on the other hand, originate in the brain’s neocortex. They are the mental process associated with emotions and are both subjective and influenced by personal life experience, beliefs, and memories. A feeling is a mental portrayal of what is going on in your body when you have an emotion and it is the by-product of your brain perceiving and assigning meaning to the emotion.
When you have an instinctual reaction to a situation, like experiencing a car accident, the emotions of fear can bring feelings of anxiety, panic, and anger into conscious awareness. You feel the emotion. When you aren’t in conscious contact with your feelings, you can easily be hijacked by them. Those feelings take over and you lose control. A typical situation we’ve all encountered is when we become angry at a person or situation and lose control.
Karla McLaren, author and social science researcher, puts it more succinctly: “An emotion is a physiological experience (or state of awareness) that gives you information about the world, and a feeling is your conscious awareness of the emotion itself. If you can identify your emotions, you can become more aware and intelligent about them, allowing you to manage them better.”
In this newsletter, I’ll focus on the emotions and feelings you go through when you are experiencing a life-altering change and transition. As discussed in previous newsletters, a change will trigger a longer transition period as you adjust to your life’s new normal. William Bridges, who created this transition model, uses the stages of grief explored in Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ book, On Death and Dying (1969). Bridges has also added some of his own emotional reactions to transitions based on his experience and his work with many others. These emotions and feelings are not necessarily linear, and you can go back and forth between anger and denial or let go of the ending and circle back to it for a brief time until you can make your way to letting go and feeling the sadness.
Unpacking Emotions And Feelings Beginning With The Ending
DENIAL AND SHOCK are the first two stages of grieving any loss, personal or professional, when going through a life-altering transition. In this stage, what’s happened seems to make no sense and you wonder how you’ll make it through. You might feel numb and devoid of any feelings, like when your boss lays you off or your spouse asks for a divorce. This stage gives you some time to cope with and pace your feelings of shock and denial, giving you time to take in only what you can handle. Denial is when you resist the reality of a situation. It’s protective and serves a purpose temporarily. As you face the reality of this experience, denial and shock fade and the deeper feelings begin to emerge.
ANGER is one of those emotions. It can be very intense and overwhelming at times. It’s a complicated emotion because many of us aren’t comfortable with anger. It’s usually viewed as a negative emotion and socially unacceptable. You might feel anger at your supervisor because of the changes in your work team or anger at a doctor or family member after the loss of a loved one, or anger at your spouse as they tell you they don’t want to be married anymore.
However, it’s a normal feeling and often under the anger are deeper emotions that will begin to emerge. Those feelings might be fear, vulnerability, regret, guilt, remorse, etc. Sometimes anger can give us the energy to get through the day and feels better than no feeling at all. But the reality is that anger is an indication of the intensity of the loss for someone or something you liked or loved.
STRESS/FRUSTRATION can lead to the bargaining stage which is what Kubler-Ross named this stage. You begin to think “if my spouse or child heals from this, I’ll devote the rest of my life to being a better father and/or husband.” Your inner dialogue becomes a maze of “IF ONLY” or” WHAT IF.” We want to have everything go back to normal, the way it was, to avoid the pain of loss. These thoughts can last for seconds or minutes and can be found in other stages of the grieving process.
SADNESS is the next stage of the grieving process. It can be laced with AMBIVALENCE putting you squarely in the middle of the present reality of the situation. It’s normal to feel sad after any kind of loss but it can lead to depression if it lasts too long. If you have lost a loved one, a colleague, a child, or a position you were hoping for, it’s expected that you’ll have sad feelings about it and fall into ambivalence, not caring one way or another anymore. To heal from a loss, you must allow for grieving and sadness as part of that process.
You can’t short circuit this process. Everyone will go through it in their own way. The emotion and the feelings that follow will move through you. Try not to judge those emotions. Remember, you are not your emotions. You’re just experiencing them.
On To The Neutral Zone
The Neutral Zone is a very important stage of the transition process because this is where you are the most uncomfortable and the most vulnerable. You’re trying to figure out where you go from here. How will you deal with this loss? You might feel resentful about this change. How will you fill the hole that this person left? How will you replace the needs your work met after you retire? It’s UNCOMFORTABLE because you’ve ended something important in your life. You usually feel CONFUSED, DISORIENTED, and DISCONNECTED at this stage because you don’t have a path forward yet. You’re dealing with emotions and many of us don’t handle those well. You’re IMPATIENT and want to fast-forward to get on with life. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but you must stay long enough to figure out what does come next.
Make friends with this stage and accept that you are in this uncertain place. It’s really a time for SELF-DISCOVERY and CURIOSITY. Be RECEPTIVE to creative ideas while you think about next steps.
- What do you really want and need in this transition to make it worthwhile?
- What will be your new normal?
- What are the consequences if you don’t make this transition?
Even with some skepticism, you can begin to move to acceptance and the importance of this life or work transition.
In any transition, a loss is eventually filled with other relationships, interests, friends, activities, etc. Whether you like it or not, the grieving process in The Ending and Neutral Zone is necessary to adjust to any loss in life. Allowing yourself to go through it requires time, patience, support, and a belief in yourself that you’ll survive and eventually thrive.
Emotions Experienced In The New Beginning
A change in the weather is sufficient to re-create the world and ourselves.”
—Marcell Proust
Spring represents an appropriate representation of the New Beginning. It signals new growth and more productivity. You’ve entered the stage where you are focused more on a vision for the future and less on the past.
You see light at the end of the tunnel, and this gives you hope and a feeling of ANTICIPATION. You’ll have a desire to move forward with CONFIDENCE and EXCITEMENT. This might feel new to you.
You’ve come to a place of ACCEPTANCE. This is not to be confused with believing that what’s happened is easy. You’re only saying that you accept the reality that your loved one is gone, your child is leaving for college, or the team needed to be reorganized so your supervisor was reassigned to another position. You may never like what’s happened, but you learn to live with it and move on as best you can. Life won’t ever be the same and you must adjust. You learn to redefine your role if it’s a change in the workplace or in a family. After my mother died, our individual family roles changed as they did again when my dad died. When a first or last child leaves for college, you will feel the difference and roles will be reassigned. You will go through an adjustment.
In the New Beginning, ideas often crystallize so you’re more optimistic, more hopeful, and you have a feeling of CONTENTMENT. You identify with the New Beginning just like you would a new friend, a new life stage, a new marriage, or a new career. You might wonder how you’ll know you’re ready for a new beginning. Here are some indications to look for:
- You may hear a random or casual comment that suddenly inspires an idea
- You might find yourself in a new situation that creates some interest
- You could have a dream that becomes a conscious goal you want to achieve
- You might read something in a book, newspaper, or magazine that validates the vision you are creating
At this point, Bridges says it’s best to stop getting ready and just go for it. Begin to act, stay focused on your plan, and try to enjoy the journey.
How To Manage Your Emotions And Feelings During A Transition
- Learn to manage your emotions by understanding them. The literature on Emotional Intelligence is a good way to learn more about this process.
- Surround yourself with positive and supportive friends and family. It takes a village to navigate any important life transition.
- Stay positive by doing a Gratitude List 3 times a week to remind you of what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t have. Read my blog posts Handling Negativity With Gratitude And Grace and Gratitude Exercises for more ideas.
- Eat well, get plenty of sleep, and avoid drugs and medicating with alcohol. This can exacerbate depression.
- Discern between the positive and negative aspects of this transition. This can help you move from negative to positive feelings.
- Delay, as best as possible, acting on intense emotions for at least several hours or overnight. You may feel differently after that break to process what you’re feeling.
- Remember, you are not your emotions. You are only experiencing them. There is a difference.
There are many emotions expressed in this newsletter and diagram. This is just a small representation of what you might actually experience. Rest assured the emotions you’re feeling are normal. You are not alone. Any serious loss will generate emotions and feelings. Use the suggestions above to manage your emotions and know they are only temporary. Negative emotions will be replaced by positive emotions if you allow the stages of transitions to unfold. There is life after change! Make the most of your emotions. Allow your awareness of your emotions to guide you through the process.
Dee
Dee Cascio
Author, speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
As you face changes and transition in life and work, I welcome the opportunity to assist you through corporate presentations, group seminars, and community workshops. Please . contact me.
Don’t just deal with emotions
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