Patience As Power In Your Transition
Have patience with all things, but, first with yourself.”
—St. Francis De Sales
If you have been reading my newsletter for many years, you know that I write about Life and Work Transitions. On the surface, it doesn’t seem all that complicated-something changes in your life and you adjust to it and go on. However, whether we are talking about the loss of a loved one, retiring after working 30 to 40 years, getting married, or starting a new work experience, there’s nothing simple or easy about a major life transition.
When facing an important life-altering transition, most people concentrate on the first part and the last part. The first part is coming to grips with what’s changed. The last part is moving on in a different way or maybe the same way. The nebulous space between-or what’s called the fertile void or Neutral Zone-is where patience is crucial. Patience is considered a skill and a virtue, giving one a sense of personal power in any transition, large or small.
Navigating this second stage is the most critical part in creating a successful adjustment to a significant life change. Here you’ll discover who, what, where, when, and how your transition will culminate into your new beginning in life.
Patience Defined
We’d all like to hope that any important changes in our lives would result in a transition that would be transformative. But, to reap the benefits of this significant phase of the transition, “patience” is key. Patience is the ability to wait calmly while sifting through your own emotions related to a change. It requires having the courage to face the obstacles you may encounter while always trusting yourself to make it through to the new experience that lies ahead.
We’ve all had situations where we’ve had to wait patiently in line for our turn. There are those times that we are stuck in rush-hour traffic and can’t move forward or backward but must patiently wait until the traffic begins to move again. However, those are the easier “waiting patiently” situations.
We live in a world today where we expect “instant gratification.” If we need information, we can go straight to Google to find it. When we contact someone by phone, email, or text, we expect an immediate response. We buy entertainment tickets to movies, plays, and concerts electronically so we won’t have to stand in line when we get to the event. Microwaves have replaced the lost art of cooking because we don’t have the patience to wait for the oven to heat up and the food to cook. I must say, it is convenient.
The Challenge
It’s human nature to want a quick fix when you are struggling with the emotional discomfort of not knowing how an important change in your life will turn out. Without the virtuous skill of patience, you run the risk of making mistakes that could affect the outcome of this change. During my 32-year therapy and coaching practice, I’ve encountered numerous situations where the decisions clients made would have had different outcomes had they been more thoughtful and patient. You can probably relate to the following examples:
- You go through the loss of a partner due to death or divorce. Being uncomfortable with being alone, you set your sights on finding a new love/partner. Without patiently exploring your past relationships and discovering what you want and need in a new relationship, you could make a huge mistake and make a choice that isn’t right for you.
- You’re unhappy in your job but you still have 20 more years before you can retire. Instead of patiently taking the time to work with a career coach to discover your skills and interests to help you find work you’re more compatible with, you jump the gun. You update your resume and immediately start looking for another job. Because you weren’t patient and thoughtful about your decision, you’ve lost the opportunity to find the very best fit for you.
- You want to retire from your 35 to 40-year career but you put off making your lifestyle retirement plans until after you leave work. After departing work without a plan, you find yourself feeling lost without the structure of a work schedule, your work relationships, and a sense of purpose. Winging it was not such a good idea. Within six to nine months of retiring, your answer to this discomfort and dilemma is to find another “job.” Your impatience caused you to make the wrong decision and now your commuting 40 to 50 miles round-trip each way each day to a job that leaves you feeling unfulfilled. Or, you’re unsuccessful finding work, get depressed, and become even more unproductive. You’ve failed retirement.
Recently I had to renew my license at the DMV. When I walked through the door, I found myself in a line with at least 25 people in front of me. Since I’m guilty of impatience at certain times, my first instinct was to turn around and walk out the door. Then I decided that no time was going to be a good time and it would be in my best interest to stand in line and patiently wait my turn. Surprisingly, within one hour and ten minutes I had my new license and was walking out the door. I took that time to wait patiently while I took a few deep breaths, checked a few emails and thought about the rest of my day. Really, I was thinking about this newsletter topic, practicing patience, and trying to walk my talk.
Research
In psychiatrist Judith Orloff’s 2012 Psychology Today article, The Power of Patience, she says, “Patience doesn’t mean passivity or resignation, but Power. It’s an emotionally freeing practice of waiting, watching, and knowing when to act.” It doesn’t mean you are avoiding a situation or being passive about a decision you are making. It’s a strategic behavior that maximizes the potential for success. This requires calming the normal frustration you feel in any transition and letting your intellect, along with your emotions, guide you.
In a study done by Sarah A. Schnitker, Ph. D. (2012), she found that those who exercise patience with others tend to be more hopeful and satisfied with their lives. Those who are undergoing a major life transition or hardship with a reserve of patience are more likely to have hope with less negative emotions. Those who can find the patience to deal with everyday hassles like traffic jams and long lines are less depressed and more satisfied with their lives.
The Art And Skill Of Patience
Patience is a form of wisdom.
It demonstrates that we understand the fact that sometimes things must unfold in their own time.”
—John Kabat Zinn
You can develop the skill of patience so you can be calmer and more thoughtful in the face of life’s obstacles when you’re going through a critical growth stage in the Neutral Zone of any transition. Here are some skill-building strategies:
- Tune into what you’re frustrated and impatient about. Is it the people, places, and things in your way or your own frustration and confusion about what you want and need, or all of the above?
- Meditation is a great way to practice patience with yourself so you can have patience with others. Sitting still and quieting your thoughts and emotions takes an incredible degree of patience.
- As you begin to feel resentment about a friend’s lateness, frustration with a colleague who has not done his/her part of a project, or anger at a spouse who forgot to pick up dinner, take a deep breath into those feelings and let them go. Cut yourself and others some slack. Have some empathy, understanding, and patience for the stress they might be experiencing and gratitude they are in your life, as imperfect as they are. By managing your impatient emotions, you’ll be able to talk to them calmly about how their behavior impacts the situation/relationship.
- Remember that patience is a skill that helps us cope with life’s challenges. Imagine lifting weights to build a muscle. Practicing patience, not procrastination, can be life changing.
- Regard patience as a gift of wisdom. When you are thinking and feeling your way to self-awareness in any transition, you and those around you will benefit.
- Protect your boundaries as you patiently go through a transition. While it seems to be common sense to be patient, friends and family don’t all get the message. They may be too eager for you to resume doing things for them and aren’t at all patient with you being unready or unwilling to do so on their timetable.
Flex your patience muscle and find more peace, empathy, and satisfaction for yourself. In turn, you will grow more empathy and understanding for others. You’ll become an expert on patience!
Dee
Dee Cascio
Author, speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
As you face changes and transition in life and work, I welcome the opportunity to assist you through corporate presentations, group seminars, and community workshops. Please . contact me.
Are you ready to increase this power for your next transition?
Transitions happen. Harness the power of patience by taking time for reflection. Use the Dig Deeper questions in Ready To Retire? Successful Retirement Planning To Make The Best Of The Rest Of Your Life to get a clearer picture of your choices and your desires, many of which don’t just apply to retirement.
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The Life and Work Transitions Community
You’ve joined a great group — people who plan to make successful transitions in life and work. May you be inspired to use your strengths and skills to grow in this season and may each transition be your best ever.
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