Preparing For The Unexpected In Retirement
For the most part, we are hard wired to be optimistic and hopeful. Beginning in our earliest years, we are told stories by our parents and teachers that have happy endings. But as we go through life and mature, we become more realistic and come to understand that life is not that simple or fair at times. Nothing is guaranteed. Bad things happen to good people, life can change in an instant, etc., yet we still hope for that happy ending. Neuroscience and social science studies tell us that most of us see the future as being better than the past and present and at times we are more optimistic than realistic.
My husband and I recently saw the movie, The Intern, starring Robert DeNiro and Anne Hathaway. It was a perfect representation of many of the issues related to retirement I talk about in my newsletters. I think it’s a must-see because it was hysterically funny even though it was offset by some sad scenes. The Intern is about loss and feeling lost, transitions, change, repurposing your skills, intergenerational relationships, and starting a new life after a life-changing event. While it wasn’t a true story, it represents the truth and I would encourage anyone who is retired or nearing retirement to see this movie.
What I found relevant about this movie was it shows how people can overcome unexpected and overwhelming events and create a new life for themselves. DeNiro plays the part of a man retired from a long-term career as a telephone book company executive. He’s also a recent widower who has lost his wife of many years. Losing his spouse shortly after leaving a lifelong career were two huge adjustments well portrayed in this movie. Retirement is life altering enough, but when you expect your life partner to share it with you and suddenly he/she is gone either through death or divorce, the results can be devastating.
Unprepared for these changes, DeNiro’s character is floundering about trying to get his bearings. In the opening scenes, it’s apparent he’s adrift and lacks any real purpose in his life. I’ll leave what he does to change the course of his life for you to learn when you see the movie.
The Unexpected
Seeing this movie was sadly very timely for my husband and me. In September, Ruth, who my brother Johnny married 49 years ago, passed away from Alzheimer’s disease. Her illness, along with the complications from her disease, was unexpected based on the person I’ve known for over half a century. She was smart, energetic, and attractive with a great sense of style and, towards the end, a wonderful sense of humor. When Ruth was finally diagnosed, Johnny made it his mission to do as much as he could with Ruth to enjoy the time that they had left together. Making this a priority gave him a sense of purpose and helped him to cope with the inevitability of this deadly disease. As her primary caregiver, my brother handled the requirements of her illness as if he had been doing it all his life. It was amazing to watch my entertaining brother who loves to tell funny stories step up to the plate and do what needed to be done. But as many of you know, when you are a caregiver, it becomes your primary focus in life. Afterwards, it’s normal to question your purpose in life and struggle to figure out what comes next.
We’ve all been worried about how my brother would handle this sad and untimely loss. Johnny is the first person to admit that he made some mistakes since he retired from the airlines 13 years ago. His mandatory retirement at 60 years old seemed to catch him totally by surprise. He had no plans and since flying was such a large part of his life, there was suddenly this gigantic hole in his life.
He quickly realized that golf, vacations, and dinner parties would not make him happy. He bought a small plane for his own enjoyment while he considered other aviation opportunities. Eventually, he found part-time employment flying executives and company owners for business and pleasure.
While my brother didn’t plan very well for his retirement years, he did get one thing very right. He has been extremely successful in maintaining the relationships he developed over his many years of flying. He has stayed in contact with his Marine Corps buddies from Vietnam as well as with the many friends he made while flying for US Airlines. In addition to his supportive family, he has numerous friends that are looking forward to spending time with him. His golfing buddies are ready to play golf with him, and his friends from the neighborhood are providing him support. The highlight of his life, however, are his two grandsons, 18 months and four years old, who have been an uplifting and comical distraction for him during this difficult time.
Right now Johnny seems reasonably content with his life while he adjusts to being alone. He is grateful for the time he had with Ruth, but sad that at 73 years old, he will not be sharing the rest of his life with her.
Preparing For The Unexpected
No one is ever really ready for the death of a spouse. However, there are some healthy ways that you can prepare yourself for the unexpected changes all of us will face during our lifetime.
- Have activities, both work-related and fun, you can do with or without your partner.
- Nurture relationships with family and friends that are reciprocal, engaging, and healthy.
- Exercise and eat well, so you can remain healthy and strong.
- If the illness of a loved one is terminal, do your best to brace yourself by reaching out to family and friends.
- Have the courage to discuss your final wishes so your loved ones are prepared to carry them out.(Resource: Five Wishes—Aging With Dignity)
- Embrace the caregiving, with support from others, as your way of honoring your life together and saying goodbye.
- Be informed about the contents and locations of all financial and estate information including health care proxies, a list of online accounts, living wills, power of attorney, trusts, and wills. Refresh your memory by rereading these documents on an annual basis. (Resource: 5@55)
If you are able to incorporate these suggestions into your life, even if things are going well right now, you will be better prepared for any unexpected changes in your retirement.
Be prepared as best as possible for the unexpected as you make the very best of the rest of your life.
Dee
Dee Cascio
Author, speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Life Coach, Retirement Lifestyle/ReCareer Coach, and Life and Work Transitions Strategies Coach.
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